Episode 108: Plugging the energy drains
4/23/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 108. In this episode, I’m focusing on the 8 most significant and
common energy drains in life after losing a spouse, and I offer actionable tools to help.
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In life after the loss of a spouse, energy levels are in short supply. There was a time that I
decided what to eat based on how much energy it would take to chew. A client of mine was
training for a hike and needed more calories, so she bought a bigger straw.
How many times since your person passed have you been certain you didn’t have the energy that
the day required?
Episodes 56, 57, and 58 of this podcast are all about boosting your energy levels. They are
linked in the show notes in case you missed them or simply want to review.
I don’t know about you, but every time I do a software update on my phone, I find the battery
draining faster. I can plug it in, of course, but I always wonder what is draining it in the
first place.
In today’s episode, I want to focus on energy drains. Yes, it’s good to know when and how to
charge your batteries - absolutely. But to the degree you can avoid energy drains, you’ll have
more energy to spare, to spend on what matters most to you.
Here are the 8 most common energy drains and what to do about them.
1. First is social situations. Learning how to navigate them, now, being who you are, now. Which
is different than the person you used to be before your loss. In social situations, you can
probably feel the energy draining by the minute. It’s okay to not attend. But if you decide to
attend, it’s best to do it in small doses. Give yourself permission to leave when you need to,
and be sure you have an exit plan.
2. Second is self criticism - it’s a massive energy drain for most widowed people I know, and
especially for the overachievers. Being disappointed in yourself for not doing a “better” job,
for not being able to figure it out. Kicking yourself because your former self hasn’t reemerged.
Telling yourself you’re wallowing, or back at square one. Self criticism is not only an energy
drain, it’s how we stay stuck in a spin cycle of suffering. You may not be familiar with being
gentle and kind to yourself, but it truly is the best way forward. Talk to yourself the way you
would a loved one.
3. Third is expecting others to behave differently. Granted, there is a learning curve. After
the loss of a spouse, we get reacquainted with the people in our lives. We find out who is grief
savvy and who isn’t. Who will actually show up and who won’t. Who will call and who won’t. And
it’s probably different in the first year than subsequent years. But there comes a point that
you will be able to anticipate the behavior of the people in your life. Once you reach that
place, it helps to expect them to behave in exactly the way they actually behave. Hoping they
will behave differently is an enormous energy drain.
4. Fourth is carrying anger and/or resentment. Now sometimes we want to feel angry and
resentful. And we get to. But these feelings drain your energy, and when you’re ready, you can
feel differently. Listen to episode 16 of this podcast for more.
5. Fifth is arguing with reality. This happens in big and small ways. It sounds like, “There
shouldn't be this much traffic.” “I should be doing better by now.” “I should be able to reach
someone who can help me.” “People should be more considerate.” And it can also sound like, “This
shouldn’t have happened to him, to us.” “This isn’t the life we planned.” ‘He should be here.”
Arguing with reality is part of this life after loss. It’s okay to do it. Just notice the energy
drain that comes along with it. And if and when you’re ready, practice syncing up with your
reality in order to spare you energy. In case you missed it, episode 107 will help.
6. Sixth is decision fatigue. I know, you find yourself with lots of decisions and you’re
missing the person with whom you likely made a lot of decisions. I know it isn’t easy. Decision
fatigue feels terrible and impacts energy levels. Episode 23 of this podcast offers practical
tools to help.
7. Seventh is carrying guilt and/or regret. They’re heavy. And they’re optional. And I say
they’re optional because these feelings are coming from thoughts, and those thoughts may not
even be true. And even if they seem true, they aren’t useful, because they create guilt and
regret, which drain your energy and make your journey significantly more difficult. Challenging
those thoughts will help. Ask yourself what else might be true. (Episode 12)
8. Finally, number eight is attempting to avoid, resist or react to uncomfortable feelings. To
be clear, these reactions are perfectly normal. We are literally hardwired this way. It’s not
wrong to do these things, it’s natural. But it’s also a big energy drain. Instead, say to
yourself, “Right now, I feel, say, lonely, and that’s okay.” Or any other uncomfortable feeling
you’re experiencing. By noticing it and normalizing it, you’ll prevent yourself from expending
extra energy. Processing an uncomfortable feeling is the best way forward. Feelings demand to be
felt. Episode 4.
I’ve covered each of these concepts in more detail in other podcast episodes, and I’ll link them
in the show notes. They’re also covered in my best-selling book called Life Reconstructed, which
is now available on Audible or in paperback. Links are in the show notes.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback,
you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that
will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
