Episode 23: Decision fatigue
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 23. In this episode, I explain decision fatigue, and how to develop the skill of making decisions now, in life after loss.
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For most people, one of the many perks of life before loss is making shared decisions: having a dialogue with your life partner, analyzing the pros and cons together, then making a mutual choice and ultimately sharing ownership of the outcome, for better or worse.
Relying on one another’s strength, knowledge, and experience brings a level of comfort to the decision-making process. Generally, making mutual decisions means that you have each other’s back, no matter the outcome.
Most widowed people have heard the adage, “Don’t make any big decisions in the first year.” There is some truth to that advice, but the actual experience of losing one’s spouse means facing this relentless series of decisions. For some, the decisions start at the hospital, then the funeral home, and they seemingly never end.
After the first wave of decisions come many more. Sell the house? Clean his closet? Wear the wedding ring? Get an alarm system?
We must rely solely on ourselves to make these choices, precisely when we are at our very worst, and just when we need our spouse the most. Enter decision fatigue—that exhausted feeling you get when you struggle to make a decision.
Decision fatigue is draining on a good day, and in life after loss it zaps whatever energy is left. Our primitive brain is immersed in fear and scarcity, and from that place it suggests that there is always a right and a wrong decision and that decisions are irreversible, and urgent.
Yet often none of that is true. When you are struggling with a decision, ask yourself the following questions:
1. When does this decision need be made? Your brain may be suggesting that everything is urgent, when in reality some decisions can be made later. Sometimes much later.
2. Is this decision reversible? I remember thinking about whether I wanted to take off my wedding ring or not. And it seemed like this irreversible decision. Which is kind of funny because it just isn’t. (And if you’re wondering, I decided not to take it off).
3. Are there more than just two options? Our brains love the simplicity of two options, black or white, safety or danger. But very often there are many other options that we don’t readily see, unless we look.
4. List your reasons you would decide yes, and list your reasons you would decide no. Which reasons do you like the most? Notice where there is fear or scarcity.
5. Consider that there is no “good” or “bad” decision. Notice that there is a pro and con for any decision you make. When you make a decision, you’re simply choosing one set of pro and con over another.
6. If your person were here, given the current circumstances, what would he/she say?
7. Fast forward to a future version of you who has what you currently want for yourself. How would she advise you about the current decision? What moves you toward who you want to be?
8. Give yourself a timeline to decide. Indecision feels terrible, so it’s better that you decide, one way or the other. Your brain will want to avoid the discomfort of making a decision. Ask yourself what is on the other side of that discomfort.
9. What is the best- and worst-case scenario? And what if the worst-case scenario is missing out on the best-case scenario?
Using these considerations, you will carefully consider your options, and then make your decision. Then, make one more important decision: that your choice is the right one for you. In other words, have your own back.
You’ve got this.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to join Life Reconstructed, my coaching program exclusively for widowed people. It will help you step forward toward a life you will love again. Simply go to thesuddenwidowcoach.com and click work with me.
