Episode 107: Living the life you have
4/16/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate,
grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this
and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 107. In this episode, I’m talking about how normal and
common it is to argue with your unwanted reality, how it creates extra suffering, and
when you’re ready, what to do instead.
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This isn’t the life you sign up for. You didn’t choose this. You and your spouse had
the future planned. And now that future no longer exists.
So naturally, we rail against what is. We wrestle with the reality we’ve been handed.
Many times I had what I thought of as a tantrum. I was angry at the remnants of my
life I had left. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t at all what I wanted or planned for or
expected.
Sometimes I just wanted to be mad about it.
Which we all get to do. It’s part of the process.
And I’m not trying to rush you past it. But it does feel extra terrible.
If you’re ready, and again no rush, but if you’re ready, I want to shed new light on
what’s on the other side.
Rebuilding a life that you will love again is possible. The first order of business is
to learn to live the life you have right now. Which means not arguing with it.
This isn’t an all or nothing concept. It’s not a mile marker that you pass just one
time.
It might just be a moment in time when you say to yourself, “This isn’t the life I
wanted, but this is what I’ve got.”
It’s those moments when you say to yourself, “This is the part when……” And then
narrate whatever is happening on this particular day. For example, “This is the part
when the car won’t start.”
Of course, you will first have that moment when your fists hit the steering wheel and
then maybe you scream a little, cry a lot, and lament that your person isn’t
physically here. Those moments will likely happen first.
But in the next moment, you may be able to say to yourself, “This is the part when the
car doesn’t start.” As if you’re watching your life unfold in a movie.
There is no requirement that you LIKE this life you were dealt. I’m simply suggesting
that you experience it as is. As it unfolds. In a state of observation.
This is not to say that you would have chosen this life. Of course not.
But it is to say that you’re choosing, at least in this moment, not to feel worse by
arguing with it.
This is the part when you figure it out. Pick up the pieces and reassemble them,
knowing full well that they don’t go back together in the way they once did.
This is the part when you learn how to do the things you never wanted to know how to
do.
This is the part when you Google, assemble, fix and troubleshoot.
This is the part when you don’t get the sleep you need, and yet you make it through
the day anyway.
This is the part when you find out who will actually be there for you.
This is that part when you’re surprised by who is there, and surprised by who isn’t.
This is the part when you realize that what looks like strength to others, doesn’t
feel strong at all. This is the part when you don’t feel strong, but you keep showing
up, putting one foot in front of the other.
This is the part when you remind yourself that you can do this life, one tiny step at
a time.
This is the part that, on the outside, looks like resilience, but on the inside,
doesn’t feel resilient at all. It feels terrible. And you keep going, keep showing up.
This is the part when grief is messy and unpredictable and not at all linear and you
think you might be doing it wrong.
This is the part when your brain suggests that you’re back at square one, or
wallowing, or feeling sorry for yourself, and then you remind yourself how far you’ve
come.
This is the part when you look around at all the paperwork, laundry, to-do lists and
clutter, and you say to yourself, “It’s THIS hard to live without my person.” And then
you do one small thing.
Living the life you have means being in this messy middle. And not making the
messiness mean that you’re doing it wrong. Because messy is the way of it.
If arguing with your unwanted reality were the best way forward, I’d be teaching a
masterclass on it. The truth is that the best way forward is to remind yourself that
while this is not what you would have chosen, this is what you’ve got. And you’re
doing your best, and that looks different each day, and that’s the way of it.
As you keep showing up, you make your way forward toward yet another version of you,
and the differently beautiful life that’s waiting for you.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend, and remember that
I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life
Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback, you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
