Episode 131: You can DIY grief, but you don’t have to
10/1/25
Music
You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 131. After the loss of a spouse, many of us default to DIY healing, which can work—but it’s often the long way around. I break down how expert guidance and a supportive community shorten the path, and how to tell when it’s time to get help that actually fits.
Music
After the unthinkable happens, it’s hard to wrap your head around what “healing” even means. One
definition is that healing is when the loss no longer dominates your life. My favorite
definition, and the author is unknown to me, is this: healing is the process of remembering with
more joy and less pain.
For me healing is having clarity and confidence again. It’s being comfortable with this version
of me, who she is, what she’s accomplished, and what she wants next. Knowing that my husband is
here for all of it, believing in me like he always did, and cheering me on.
It’s okay if you can’t begin to think about healing right now. Doing nothing is an option.
Truly. Losing a spouse is incredibly hard. There is no moral high ground in grief—no gold star
for hustling through it, no failing grade for pausing. If all you can do today is go through the
mundane motions, that’s enough. You are not behind. You are grieving.
And… when you do have a little bandwidth, you’ll probably notice two paths in front of you.
Path one is DIY. You try to figure it out yourself—books, podcasts, late-night scrolling, a tip
from a friend, a quote that helps for a minute. That counts. It’s resourceful. You can
absolutely DIY grief. It works for some people. But for a lot of people, including me, it’s just
not the most direct path, and also not the most comprehensive path.
Path two is getting expert guidance and a supportive community. Same destination—feeling
steadier, clearer, more yourself—but the terrain feels different. There’s a trail, markers along
the way, expert guidance and people walking beside you.
I took the DIY path for a long time. Six years of “a little of this, a little of that.” Some of
it helped. Much of it left me circling the same questions. What I eventually learned is that
grief is like building a house with only a hammer: possible… but slow, exhausting, and
needlessly hard. The right tools, in the right order, with someone to show you how to use them—
that changes everything.
So let’s talk about what expert guidance and community actually do.
What Expert Guidance Gives You
A framework, not just tips. Instead of ten random ideas, you get a sequence—how to support the
nervous system first so your brain can process; how to work with thoughts without gaslighting
yourself; how to make small decisions again so confidence returns.
Normalization and precision. A seasoned guide can say, “What you’re describing is common and
normal and here’s why,” or “This sounds like decision fatigue; here’s a tool.” You spend less
time wondering, “Am I doing this wrong?” and more time practicing what works.
Momentum and accountability. Not pressure— traction. When you’re not going it alone, the next
step is clearer and smaller. You try one thing, debrief it, and try again. It’s forward movement
that becomes repeatable.
What Community Gives You
First, being with others who get it makes you realize that you’re normal. You’re not the only
one whose evenings feel empty or who still reaches for their person’s coffee mug.
Second, when someone else puts words to something you’ve felt but couldn’t name….that moment of
“Oh… me too” helps you to feel seen, understood and supported.
Third, practical wisdom. Communities trade real-life solutions—how to get through the death
anniversary, what to say when someone gives you unhelpful advice, how to set a boundary without
a four-paragraph explanation.
Now, if you’re a DIY-er at heart—hello, high achievers—here’s a quick audit to see whether DIY
is serving you or stalling you.
A Quick DIY Audit (answer yes/no)
In the last 30 days, have you repeated the same struggle more than three times without changing
your approach?
Do you collect tools faster than you implement them?
Are you often unsure which tool to use when?
Do you abandon practices after two days because you don’t see results yet?
Is your progress mostly random rather than intentional and repeatable?
If you answered “yes” to two or more, DIY may be costing you extra time, energy, and hope—not
because you’re doing it wrong, but because you’re doing it alone.
Which is one option, but certainly not the only option.
You aren’t supposed to know how to do this. No one could have prepared you. There’s no shame in
getting help with the most catastrophic time of your life. I wish I could have found real,
relevant help when I needed it. It’s much more available now than it was back then, and I hope
you’ll find the best fit for you.
My book has helped nearly 8,000 people and it’s available on Audible, Kindle or in paperback.
And if you want more help, I currently have a few private coaching spots available currently,
and will be opening the doors to my group coaching program called Life Reconstructed in early
2026. It’s the perfect blend of guidance and community. Click the link in the show notes to
learn more.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
Music
Thanks for listening to Life Reconstructed. I’m Teresa Amaral Beshwate, and I’ll see you next
time—same place, same purpose: to shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Get the book + journal + a 3-part video series by clicking here.
Get the book on Audible by clicking here.
Get more help by clicking here.
