Episode 130: When you feel like you’re failing
9/24/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 130. In this episode, I’m talking about “failing” at grief, which,
spoiler alert, isn’t possible and I’ll explain why. If you’re approaching your second year, or
in the middle of it, don’t miss my free webinar tomorrow: The Truth About Year 2: What really
happens after the first year of loss—and how to navigate it with less pain and more purpose.
It’s happening at 3pm pacific time, which is 4 mountain, 5 central and 6 eastern. I hope you can
attend live so I can answer your questions, but if not, register anyway and I’ll send you the
replay. Register using the link in the show notes: https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/year2-
webinar If you listen to this episode after the webinar, use the same link and I’ll send you the
replay.
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In life after the loss of a spouse, it’s common to think that you’re failing at grief. It sounds
like:
I should be further along by now.
I’m back at square one.
I can’t do this.
I’m not qualified to be a widow.
I can’t get out of my own way.
I’m wallowing, or feeling sorry for myself.
These thoughts can happen in the first few weeks after your person passed, especially if you’re
an overachiever. They can happen anytime in the first few months, and in my experience, they’re
more likely tho happen in the second year and beyond.
The thing is, they’re just thoughts. And I know they seem true. All of our thoughts just kind of
seem to be true. But friends, we should never believe everything we think.
If you have kids in your life, you already know this. Kids will believe that they can’t do
something, like pass their math test, or get an A on a paper, make the baseball team, or
graduate, or get into their college of choice. And as an adult, you help them to shift their
thoughts. You offer them other thoughts, other possibilities. You encourage them, urge them to
think differently. I think Henry Ford said it best, “Whether you think you can, or you think you
can’t…..you’re right.”
So you probably know that kids should not believe everything they think. But do you believe that
about yourself?
Some thoughts just aren’t true. Some are not useful at all. And some are not at all kind. But
the brain offers these thoughts anyway, because that’s what brains do.
Our job as humans, and specifically as people who have lost a spouse, is to listen carefully to
our own thoughts. Notice what you brain is offering you without believing it. Decide if it’s
factually true - it’s surprising how often it’s not. Decide if it’s useful. A thought that makes
you feel like you’re failing is not at all useful, and will not help you to heal. In fact, it
will keep you stuck and suffering. Also decide if it’s kind. I bet you would never tell another
human being that they’re failing at grief. Certainly not someone you love.
Thoughts are optional. Every single thought is optional. And, we humans have the ability to
think about what we think about, and then direct our thinking, on purpose. Which is the best
news. We have so much control. And here’s more good news: there are an infinite number of
thoughts to choose from.
I don’t think it’s useful to label thoughts as “good” or “bad” or even “positive” or “negative.”
What is incredibly useful is to label thoughts as unintentional or intentional. In other words,
default thoughts or chosen thoughts.
The truth is that losing your person is incredibly hard, all by itself. And then we pile extra
suffering on top of the grief in the form of self-criticism. It’s a heavy, heavy load - heavier
than necessary. It’s like carrying rocks in your purse.
Self-criticism is also the fastest way to deplete whatever small amount of energy you have each
day.
Spoiler alert: there is no one “right” way to grieve. There are no grief police. There is no
rule book, and no one is handing out grades, so there is no way to get an A.
So don’t let your brain tell you that you’re failing. You’re NOT failing. And I want you to
prove that to yourself.
Make a list of every hard thing you’ve done since your loss. Early on, you got out of bed on the
days that felt impossible. You made arrangements at a funeral home. One morning you woke up and
got dressed and went to your spouse’s memorial service. Talk about a hard thing. Later, you took
the car to get new tires. You went grocery shopping. You learned to cook for one, even when you
didn’t feel like it. You figured out how to fix the wifi. You drove to visit family. You made
important decisions. You went to the hardware store. You sold a vehicle. Get it all on paper.
You’re the person who did all of that….in the worst chapter of your life.
In other words, you kept stepping through a life that felt like it had ended.
List your wins, big and small. Review your list every day. Add to it, too. Notice how it makes
you feel. Start your day standing on that very factual foundation.
You are doing this.
You are doing your best, and that looks different every day because grief is messy. It’s gritty.
It’s not linear, it’s not categorical, and there are no boxes to check. It’s exactly as messy as
it feels, and that does not mean you’re doing it wrong. Don’t make the messier days mean
anything about your progress - because they truly are not any indication of how you’re doing.
Messier days are the way of it. And the best way through, is straight through.
Congratulate yourself for not quitting. For not opting out of this life you didn’t sign up for.
I see you, and I celebrate you, and I want you to see and celebrate yourself.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, join me tomorrow, September 25th for a free webinar: The
Truth About Year 2: What really happens after the first year of loss—and how to navigate it
with less pain and more purpose. Register using the link in the show notes. If you listen to
this episode after the webinar, use the same link and I’ll send you the replay.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/year2-webinar
