Episode 128: What to do with the pictures: finding your way
9/10/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
A common question I hear from widowed people is about what to do with the pictures. Should they
stay up? Should they come down? Is there a “right” time or a “wrong” choice? After loss, even
something as simple as a framed photo can feel loaded with meaning—love, memory, respect, and
sometimes guilt or worry about what others will think. In this episode, I want to reassure you
that there are no rules here. I’ll share my response to a listener who wondered if she was
“allowed” to take down her late husband’s pictures, and together we’ll explore practical ways to
approach this deeply personal decision with clarity and self-compassion.
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I recently received an email from a follower named Kim. She asked, “Am I allowed to take down
his pictures and put them away? He has not been gone a year yet.” I share my response to Kim in
this episode (with her permission) because it’s a a common question and a common struggle after
losing a spouse.
A similar question is whether it’s okay to have a shrine of photos of a spouse. I personally
added framed photos of my husband in the early weeks after he passed. For others, it’s too
painful to see any pictures at all.
The truth is that it’s all okay. There is no one “right” way to deal with pictures. Just like
there is no one “right” way to grieve.
It IS tempting to think that we’re disrespecting them if we do take pictures down. We wonder
about the “right” way to do it. We worry about what other people will think. I answered Kim’s
question with the following four main points.
First, there are no rules, so you get to decide, this and every single other thing. No one walks
in your shoes but you. It might be nice, in some ways, if there was a rulebook or an owner’s
manual, so you could know that you’re “on track.” But the truth is that grief is unique.
Ultimately, you get to decide. And here’s how: For this and any decision, know your reasons.
Make a list of why you would and why you wouldn’t, so you’re crystal clear about your reasons.
And then look over each reasons and be sure you like your reasons.
Second, this decision is reversible. And in fact, a lot of decisions are reversible. For
example, one day you might not put on your wedding ring, and then the next day, you do. You
might put a picture away and then the next day, get it back out. You might pay off your house
and then decide to refinance it. This is a chance to try it on for size and see how you feel.
There’s no “right” or “wrong,” it’s just a matter of what feels the best to you, for now. (Not
forever)
The presence or absence of pictures is neither respectful nor disrespectful. It’s whatever you
think about the presence or absence of pictures - that’s what matters. It’s the story we tell
ourselves that feels respectful or disrespectful. But if this is nothing more than a matter of
trial and error….putting a picture away and seeing how you feel, then it isn’t at all about
respect. It’s simply about seeing how you feel in this moment. And then getting the picture back
out tomorrow and seeing how you feel tomorrow. I suspect that your person would not want your
journey to be any more difficult than it already is.
If the shoe were on the other foot, I would want my husband to do anything with my pictures that
would help him to suffer less.
Third, whenever it seems like there are only two options, like black or white, it’s a good idea
to look for a shade of gray. I chose to get an electronic frame and then I scanned a lot of
pictures and now they rotate through the frame. That eliminated a *ton* of frames in my house
and therefore decluttered my environment which helped my brain to be more calm. I kept a few
framed picture of him in specific places - by my bathtub and in my office, plus the electronic
frame which is in my dining room. That felt right for me. That’s neither right or wrong, it’s
just best for me.
You might feel better (for now) to take everything down. Or maybe just certain ones. Or maybe
none. But if it keeps coming up for you, or if you’re like Kim and you’d like permission, then
I’m thinking a part of you would like to take at least some photos down, maybe temporarily, just
as an experiment to see how you feel. I encourage you to give it a try.
If you’re concerned about what other people will think, then there’s very likely a part of you
that thinks the very thing you’re worried that others will think. For example, if you worry that
others will think that you’re forgetting your person, or moving on, then there’s likely a part
of you that worries that that’s true. That’s a chance to examine that thought. To challenge it.
To consider how the opposite might actually be true.
And what if you wanted to find companionship or a new relationship? You get to decide whether
photos of your late spouse will continue to be in your home, and you get to decide that based on
your own reasons, none of which do you need to explain or justify to any other person.
Societal myths say we need to “move on” and “let them go,” but research suggests that
integrating your person into your life is a healthy means of healing. I will always have photos
of my late husband in my home for two simple reasons: 1) He is a part of me. And 2) I like to
see his pictures. It’s that simple. I share those reasons with you, but I don’t feel compelled
to share them with anyone who drops by my house. It’s my house, and my choice.
I am married now, so I have side-by-side photos of my two husbands. It works for me and my alive
husband, who fully understands and supports me. And in case you’re wondering, no, he wasn’t
widowed.
Which brings me to the fourth main point I made in my response to Kim. The more you understand
yourself, and know and like your decisions, the more you can let other people have their own
opinions, whether they agree with you or not. If they misunderstand you, well, you can allow
them to misunderstand you. They don’t walk in your shoes, after all.
Having your own back means supporting yourself no matter what other people think or say. Maya
Angelou is quoted as saying, “I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my
own side.”
That’s my hope for you. To learn the truths about grieving your spouse, to learn your grieving
self and your grieving brain, so much so that you can be on your own side, no matter what.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback, you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
