Episode 122: Relearning Joy: How to Feel Comfortable Feelings Again After Loss
7/30/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome back to the podcast. In episode 110, It’s Okay to be Happy, I talked about why
happiness and other comfortable emotions can feel so wrong after losing your person—how they can
seem like a betrayal or feel like “moving on.” If you missed that episode, I encourage you to
give it a listen first, because it lays the foundation for today’s topic.
In this episode, I want to go a step further. I want to teach you how to feel comfortable
feelings again. Because if it’s been a long time since you felt joy, peace, or lightness, they
might feel unfamiliar—or even unsafe. The truth is, your brain is wired to stick with what’s
familiar, even if that means clinging to grief, loneliness, or sadness.
But here’s the good news: you can relearn how to feel joy. You can rebuild your connection with
peace and happiness. And in doing so, you might experience them more deeply than ever before. In
this episode, I’ll walk you through exactly how to notice, welcome, and stay with these feelings
—so they become part of your new normal.
Let’s begin.
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In episode 110 of this podcast, which is called It’s Okay to be Happy, I talked about how
comfortable feelings can feel wrong, or disrespectful, or they can make you think that you’re
“moving on” or "leaving him in the past.” If you missed that episode, I hope you’ll go back and
give it a listen, because I offer two reasons why it’s okay to feel happiness and other
comfortable emotions.
In this episode, I want to teach you HOW to feel comfortable feelings. Because I bet that it’s
been a long time since you felt them. I bet it’s foreign.
And to the primitive part of your brain, what’s foreign or unfamiliar is uncomfortable and
possibly unsafe. That part of your brain associates familiarity with safety.
So it’s ironic, but it does make sense that comfortable feelings can actually feel unsafe,
simply because they’re not familiar.
The brain is hard wired for efficiency, so it will cling to the feelings you experience most of
the time, even if those feelings are sad, lonely, and the like. This is normal human brain
behavior. Nothing has gone wrong. But you can get reacquainted with comfortable feelings.
You can relearn how to feel happiness, peace and joy. And in doing so, you might experience them
more fully than you ever did in the past.
First, you’ll want to notice when you feel comfortable feelings and normalize them. Episode 110
will help you do this. Then, what to do with a comfortable feeling. Well, you know how I’m
often encouraging you to feel uncomfortable feelings fully? The same is true here. I want you to
feel this feeling fully. What helps to do that is to pay attention to it. Notice how it feels in
your body. Where exactly do you feel it? Does it have any particular shape? If it were a color,
what color would it be? Is it in motion? And if so, is it fast or slow? How does this feeling
make you want to react?
Stay with the feeling for as long as possible.
Ask yourself why you’re feeling this. The answer will be a thought. Continue to think that
thought, and you’ll continue to feel this comfortable feeling. It’s okay to feel this. Indulge
in this feeling for as long as you can.
Feeling comfortable feelings may help to amplify them. The more you feel comfortable feelings,
the more you’ll let your brain know that they’re normal and okay. And by intentionally feeling
comfortable feelings over time, you’ll begin to make them habitual.
You’re a different version of you now, because your person’s death changed you, too. And that
includes how you experience the outside world, and your own internal experience, too. You’ve
felt the darkest darkness, which expands your capacity to feel comfortable feelings. Maybe
Kahlil Gibran said it best in his classic book, The Prophet: “The deeper that sorry carves into
your being, the more joy you can contain.” Unquote.
And there’s this quote, by an author unknown to me: “Life is so ironic, it takes sadness to know
what happiness is, noise to appreciate the silence and absence to value presence.” Unquote.
It’s certainly true in my life. I experience a whole new version of joy now, different than
before. I more fully experience all comfortable feelings, in fact. I see it in my clients, too.
Would we trade it to have our person back? Yes, absolutely. But since we don’t have that choice,
we can choose to be fully present with all the feelings, including the comfortable ones.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback,
you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that
will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
