Episode 121: Unlearning what isn’t true in life after loss
7/23/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 121. In this episode, I talk about how old, unconscious beliefs
often resurface after the loss of a spouse—when the person who may have reminded you of your
worth is no longer physically here. I’ll walk you through how to uncover those hidden beliefs,
challenge them, and begin forming new, truthful ones that support your healing and growth.
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I was leaving a store the other day and noticed myself looking both ways before I crossed into
the parking lot. It got me thinking about how ingrained are the things most of us learned as
kids. Look both ways before crossing. Brush your teeth.
Those are things that serve us well. Without thinking, we look both ways, and without thinking,
we brush our teeth.
But many people received messages as kids that also become ingrained, but aren’t helpful in any
way.
Clean your plate is one example that probably isn’t helpful. Without thinking, there are
probably millions of people who clean their plate every single meal. Even as the size of a
dinner plate has grown from 9 inches in 1960 to 12 inches today.
Some people receive arguably more harmful messages as kids. Like, “You’re in the way, you don’t
belong, you’re an inconvenience, or everything is your fault.”
Generally speaking, kids assume that all messages they receive from adults are true. And the
more we hear a message, the more we think it’s true, the more it becomes a belief.
In the spirit of efficiency, the brain files beliefs away in the subconscious mind. So we don’t
actually hear ourselves think it. And yet these beliefs dictate our actions, for better or
worse.
So without thinking through the reasons why we brush our teeth, we simply brush our teeth.
Similarly, without thinking through the reasons, we try to please everyone, or don’t think we’re
capable, don’t think we’re smart enough, pretty enough, or young enough. Maybe you don’t think
you belong, you feel apologetic for taking up space, or you feel overly responsible for other
people’s feelings, actions, and results.
Maybe you find yourself in a state of self-sabotage, continually making choices you promised
yourself you would not make, continually not doing the things you promised yourself you would
do.
For many people, self-worth is lacking.
It might have been confused with being egotistical - that’s common.
But being egotistical is to think, I’m the best and better than everyone else.
Having a sense of self-worth is to think, I’m pretty great, and I think others are pretty great,
too.
Self worth is knowing you have value, and inherent worth as a person, simply because you exist.
Not because of anything you do or don’t do. Independent of any external validation or
achievement. It’s feeling deserving of love and respect - and specifically it’s loving yourself
and respecting yourself.
Babies don’t contribute to society. In fact, they’re a lot of work. But we look at a baby and we
don’t doubt that baby’s worth. It’s clear they are worthy, simply because of their existence.
They’re worthy of love, they’re valuable - precious, in fact. Their existence is beautiful.
But it’s hard to draw those same conclusions about ourselves, especially if you received
unhelpful messages as a child.
When your spouse passes, it’s common that old beliefs show up in more obvious ways. The person
who you perhaps depended on to fill the gaps, to offer you their beliefs, the person who maybe
loaned you confidence, who told you that you were beautiful, who helped you to feel loved and
valued, isn’t physically present. It leaves a massive void.
What coaching can help you do is understand that void, find the reasons why it exists, dig up
those old beliefs and challenge them. Unlearn them. So that you can form new, more accurate
beliefs that are true for you today.
Here’s how to get started.
First, dig up any old beliefs that are limiting. Ask yourself why, and then ask yourself why
again, and again, and again. Channel your inner 4-year old. I met my step daughter when she was
four, and it was the phase that she asked “why?” constantly and repeatedly. She wanted to know
the reason for everything. Not the surface reason, but the deeper reason. And this is what we
can do for ourselves. Why am I taking this action? Why am I not taking the action I’m wanting to
take? And keep asking why until you can’t answer it anymore.
Another way to dig up old beliefs is to ask yourself, “And if that’s true, what does that mean
about me?” So, as an example, you step on the scale and think, “I’m just not the kind of person
who can reach my goal weight.” And then ask yourself, “Well, if that’s true, what does that mean
about me?” And keep asking that question, and eventually, you’ll get down to the old belief that
you’ve been practicing, probably for decades.
Then, challenge that belief. In what ways is it actually not true? To continue with the weight
example, it’s probably not true because you’ve likely lost weight before.
You may even be able to find reasons that the opposite is true. For example, if the belief is
that you’re not a confident person, ask yourself in what ways are you extremely confident? The
list would be long, because you are no doubt extremely confident in doing any number of things
that you do every single day.
The goal is to make your brain see that the story it’s telling isn’t actually true. And then to
think true thoughts instead, that serve you well.
The brain is hard wired for efficiency, so it will cling to old, well-practiced beliefs as a
default. It takes effort to think differently, but the immediate benefit is that you feel
differently - you’ll feel better in that moment. And that feeling drives useful actions.
The truth is that you exist, and because of your existence, you are worthy, you belong here, and
you are valuable. Period. If you feel differently, that’s because there are old thoughts yet to
be found and challenged and unlearned. And that’s okay, we’re never done. It’s a process.
This is very likely the most difficult chapter you’ll ever face in your life. How you respond to
it is going to depend on your beliefs about yourself, and how you treat yourself. Although it
might be tempting to be tough on yourself, essentially to kick yourself when you’re down, please
hear me when I say that that approach will only keep you stuck and suffering.
Love is the way forward. Loving yourself is the way forward.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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For more practical tips to love yourself more, listen to my free webinar called Loving Yourself
Through Grief: 7 simple strategies. You’ll leave with simple and practical strategies to love
yourself more, and you’ll have a clear picture of what’s waiting for you on the other side of
self-love. Click the link in the show notes, and you’ll get instant access, right to your inbox.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/loving-yourself-through-grief-webinar
