Episode 120: What It Means When You’re Not Thinking About Them Constantly
7/16/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 120. In this episode, I’m tackling a common thought that causes
unnecessary suffering: the idea that you haven’t thought about your late spouse enough. I’ll
walk you through two practical reasons why this isn’t true, so that you can have more clarity
and less guilt.
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In episode 110, It’s okay to be happy, I offered two specific reasons why it’s okay to feel
comfortable emotions after the loss of you spouse. In this episode, I want to address a concern
I hear often from widowed people, which is when you notice that you’ve gone an hour, or a day,
or a few days, without thinking about your person. At least that’s what we tell ourselves. I
know, because I did, too. But it’s actually not true, and in this episode, I’ll explain why.
When your spouse passes, the loss is all you can think about. They are in every single thought
as you try to figure out how to navigate this life without their physical presence. So having
them top of mind becomes very familiar and it seems correct and respectful and appropriate.
At some point, you find that you’ve gone a little while without them being on your mind, maybe a
few hours or a whole day, or any stretch of time that seems unusual.
And when that happens, it’s tempting to make ourselves wrong. We make it mean that we’re doing
it wrong. That we’re disrespecting them, or somehow not honoring them. We might make it mean
that we’re already getting “over it” or leaving them in the past, or forgetting them.
These human brains are meaning making machines, so any change in the grief process, and the
brain makes meaning out of it. This is to be expected.
We simply can’t take it at face value, though. And that’s true of any thought. We simply can’t
believe everything we think. Brains offer thoughts - it’s what brains do. But not all thoughts
are true, not all thoughts are useful, and not all thoughts are kind.
There are two important things I want you to know about thoughts. First is that they are
optional. Just because your brain offers you a thought doesn’t mean it’s true, useful or kind.
In fact, it probably isn’t all of those.
The second thing I want you to know about thoughts is that they’re infinite. There’s an infinite
number of thoughts you can direct your brain to think, on purpose. What matters is that the
thoughts you choose to think ARE true, useful and kind. Because if an infinite number of
thoughts exist, why not aim for all three?
So, back to this concern about not thinking about your person. I want to offer that it’s
actually not true. We have thoughts in our conscious mind, and other thoughts occur in the
subconscious mind. That’s one way the brain stays as efficient as possible. What’s interesting,
I think, is that it’s estimated that only 5% of our thoughts happen in the conscious mind, while
95% happen in the subconscious mind.
So, let’s say that your conscious mind went an hour, or a few hours, or a day or a few days
without thinking about your person. Let’s say you knew that for a fact. Then I would suggest
that your subconscious mind, where 95% of thoughts happen, was thinking of your person.
I personally don’t realize until later what my subconscious mind has been up to. I might think
that I didn’t think about my husband all day, but actually, in hindsight, he was in my thoughts
as I walked, as I made breakfast, as I went about my day. I thought of him when I saw something
he had repaired, when I glanced at his bike in the barn, when I glanced in the direction of his
picture in my office.
It feels to me like this undercurrent of deep thoughts, and he’s always there.
I want to offer you another concept that I love, and that’s integration. Integrating your person
is to include them as you step forward. It’s to bring them along in some way, into your day-to-
day.
I think of it as a merger of sorts. Or the continuation of the connection you had in the
physical sense. Although society would say that we need to “move on,” research suggests that
integration is a healthy way forward.
I hope you won’t use this concept of integration against yourself. There’s no way to get an “A”
in integration. It’s not pass or fail. It’s just about slowly finding ways that include your
person that feel right to you.
I’m personally not “done” finding ways to integrate my husband. I think new ways will become
clear to me. And I’m happy with where I am now. He’s part of me. He’s with me. I can hear his
slightly inappropriate humor in my own brain. Okay, sometimes totally inappropriate.
His pictures are in my home. I like to think of his fingerprints being on most things around me.
But more important than physical things is that…..
He’s present in every breath I take. He cheers for me when I succeed and he encourages me when I
fail. The life I’m creating honors him and simultaneously honors me. It is a process of becoming
an even more authentic version of me.
I don’t think it was ever possible to separate us. We’re too intertwined….happily intertwined.
There’s no deconstructing that and I wouldn’t want to. So I continue forward. He’s in my
conscious brain sometimes, in my subconscious brain often, and integrated with my very being.
If you’re struggling because you think you haven’t thought of your person enough, I sincerely
hope this has helped you.
If it has been helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in
you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback,
you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that
will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
