Episode 119: Lightening the heavy load of loss
7/9/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 119. In this episode, I’m shedding light on the unnecessarily heavy
burden that comes with losing a spouse, why it’s completely natural, and how to set it down.
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The pain of loss is one thing. It’s a lot, all on its own. There’s no denying it.
Attempting to dodge that pain is a whole other level of exhaustion, and it’s futile, and it
makes the load exponentially heavier.
But it’s our primal instinct to avoid pain. That’s a survival instinct and it drives us to try
any number of ways to dodge it. In fact, there are 3 main ways we try to dodge painful emotions:
First, we resist difficult feelings. That means we try to sweep it under the rug, or refuse to
acknowledge it. It’s the equivalent of holding a beach ball under water. We don’t do this
deliberately - it’s just instinctual.
Another way we attempt to dodge difficult feelings is by reacting. This looks like emotional
outbursts, impulsive behavior like rash decisions or self-destructive actions. We aren’t aware
that we’re trying to dodge the pain, because the reaction happens so fast.
The third way we try to dodge difficult feelings is to avoid them. This is attempting to numb or
buffer the pain with things like overeating, over drinking, over-scrolling, overspending, binge
watching, staying excessively busy, and the like. It’s any type of activity that attempts to
avoid or numb the pain, and has it’s own negative consequence. For example, weight gain,
hangovers, financial problems, exhaustion, etc. Once again, these actions are inadvertent,
driven by our primal instincts to avoid pain. We are hardwired this way, because pain could mean
danger.
What most of us do is this: we have the pain of the loss, plus our attempts to dodge it, which
is it’s own heavy layer to carry. We lump them together, because we can’t easily distinguish
between the two. So it just feels like this massive weight to carry.
And the more we run from the pain, the bigger it gets, the more we fear it, the faster we try to
run. I spent six years on the run. My strategy-of-choice was staying overly busy. My job
required a lot of travel, and I came home to 10 acres of work, and then got back on the next
outbound plane. I thought the pain was too great, that if I felt it, I wouldn’t be able to
recover.
I remember the moment I realized I had nothing left, no ability to outrun it. I had no choice
but to face it.
If you’re riding a horse and a dog chases you, the rule of thumb is that you turn to face the
dog, and even move toward the dog. When the dog is giving chase, it’s big and bold. When faced
with a thousand plus pound horse moving in it’s direction, most dogs quickly shrink back to
original proportions and apologetically turn and head for home.
The same is true with difficult feelings. When we actually face them - the mere act of deciding
to face the pain - means that we set down any resistance, any attempt to avoid it. By facing it,
we no longer react to it. The pain no longer dictates our actions, because we’re willing to face
it.
And so what we actually face is the pain itself. Without any extra layers of heaviness. It’s
pain in it’s pure form.
And compared to the effort it takes to dodge it, compared to how frightening it is when we’re
trying to dodge it, the pain in it’s pure form is remarkably less burdensome. It’s still heavy,
but it’s not one ounce heavier than necessary.
Our souls have the capacity to expand as a response to pain. In his book A Grace Disguised, How
the Soul Grows through Loss, Jerry Sittser writes, quote, “Loss can enlarge its capacity for
anger, depression, despair, and anguish, all of which are natural and legitimate emotions
whenever we experience loss. Once enlarged, the soul is also capable of experiencing greater
joy, strength, peace and love.” Unquote.
Facing the pain that comes with loss is to bear witness to it, to tend to it, to process it. And
when we do that, the pain loosens its grip, it lightens, dissipates, maybe even leaves entirely.
Listen to episode 4 of this podcast - it’s linked in the show notes. It walks you through how to
process a difficult feeling. This skill is a superpower, not only with grief, but for life.
Give it a listen. Share this episode with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you,
and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback,
you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that
will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-
ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
Episode referenced: https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/podcasts/life-reconstructed-a-widowed-
way-forward/episodes/2147925894
