Episode 115: “When will I be back to ‘normal?’"
6/11/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 115. In this episode, I’m answering the question that many widowed
people wonder about - “When will I be back to normal?” And I offer 5 practical tips you can
apply today.
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No matter if you were widowed six weeks ago, 2 years ago, or longer, you may be wondering when
you’ll be back to “normal.”
When you’ll have your energy back.
When you’ll feel motivated again.
When you’re productive the way you used to be.
When your brain is clear and focused.
When you’ll care about eating healthy.
When cooking doesn’t feel like such a burden.
When you’ll actually want to be social, and feel comfortable doing so.
When coming home doesn’t pack a punch.
Because the loss of a spouse drops you into a life that’s anything but normal.
You’re not the you you’ve always been, and your life feels surreal, almost like someone else’s
life.
It’s a life you didn’t sign up for, and it would be really nice to experience some sort of
normalcy.
And there are the people who love you. No one prepared them for the realities of loss, namely,
that you wouldn’t be the you they once knew. They’re wondering, too, when you’ll get back to
“normal?” Shouldn’t it have happened by now? They liked the old you, after all.
They might wonder if something is wrong. They may pass judgement, or attempt to rush you into
whatever they think should be the next phase of healing.
They may suggest what they think could be a “fix,” like therapy, counseling, volunteering,
dating, or getting a dog. None of those things are bad, but they’re also not a “fix” that would
get you back to “normal.”
So what does get you back to “normal?” In short, nothing. Because what was once normal is no
more. Death is that catastrophic. It changes your person, and it changes you, and it changes
nearly everything about your life.
Does that mean that you’ll be like this forever? No. It’s all just for now.
How you feel, what you do and don’t do, what you care about and don’t care about. It’s all
temporary.
There is a future version of normal, but what you have at the moment is what you have at the
moment.
So the task at hand is redefining normal for now.
How to go about doing that? I have four specific tips that you can put into practice right away.
The first tip I want to offer you is to not make yourself wrong for being where you are. It
doesn’t matter how long ago your person passed. The unthinkable happened and you’ve been doing
your best in the worst of circumstances. Grief is messy - that’s the way of it. Being gentle
with yourself is not letting yourself off the hook. It’s not the same as wallowing. It is, in
fact, the best way forward.
Second, and this is related to tip #1, it won’t help you at all to argue with your current
reality. In fact, it will slow you down. Your former self shouldn’t have reemerged by now.
There’s no such thing. The paperwork is in a pile, and so is the laundry. Maybe you’ve had
moments of overspending, overeating, over drinking, or binge watching. Maybe you haven’t seen
the inside of a grocery store or a gym in months. Maybe your motivation is missing in action.
This isn’t how you want it, I get it, but arguing about it won’t turn it around - it will only
waste your precious energy.
This is what you’ve got right now. It’s the reality. Accepting it as is will help you move
forward intentionally and thoughtfully. It will spare your energy for what matters most.
Third, remind yourself that this is all temporary. I know, your brain is telling you that it
will always be this way, it will always feel this way, and it seems true. But it isn’t true.
Even if you’ve only been widowed a few weeks, you can already notice that it is ever changing.
Grief is this way, and life after loss is this way. It’s always changing.
Those who journal have the proof. They can look back at older journals and clearly see exactly
where they were, how they felt, and how far they’ve come since that time.
Because it’s temporary, it helps to think in temporary terms. For example, tell yourself, “This
is the way it is for now.” And use the words, “These days,” and “Lately.” They’re all temporary
time stamps and good reminders.
Fourth, take small steps. It’s not all going to get done today. Take the next smallest step,
make a little progress, and leave yourself a note of what you accomplished and the immediate
next step. You’re learning how your brain works these days, and how to support your brain as it
navigates loss. Momentum, however small, begets momentum.
If cooking is too much, make yourself something that requires assembling a few ingredients. And
if more than one ingredient is a deal breaker- it certainly was for me - go with a single
ingredient. I lived off of almonds and coffee for a long time. It can be easier to drink
smoothies than do the work of chewing. This life after loss is trial and error, so it’s a matter
of finding what works for you these days. Break it down in to very small steps, and you’re on
your way.
Finally, remind yourself that there is a future version of normal. One of the most powerful and
yet underused word is “yet.” You’re not there, yet, but there is a future version of normal.
You’ll know where to find things. Your brain will work well. You’ll get things done. You’ll have
the energy to care about things that matter to you. You’ll be curious to learn something new
that you actually want to learn (not something you have to learn). You’ll read an entire book
and understand it, and enjoy it. You’ll meet new people who will make your life fun and
interesting again. You’ll genuinely look forward to the future. You’ll experience a version of
joy that’s unique. That life is there for you, and today, just take a small step toward it.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback, you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us