Episode 114: What to do with your wandering mind
6/4/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author
and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 114. In this episode, I’m taking a look at the wandering mind, and offering 3 key questions
to help you get better acquainted with your grieving brain.
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We humans have minds that wander away from the present moment. It’s interesting to notice exactly where your mind
wanders.
Repetitive and negative thoughts about what’s happened in the past is rumination.
On the other hand, repetitive and negative thoughts that are focused on the future is worry.
In either case, the mind is not in the present, which, for a widowed person, makes a lot of sense. Because in the present
moment, you’re faced with the reality of your person’s physical absence. Your brain doesn’t want to spend time there.
Notice where your brain wants to be. Do you spend more time ruminating or worrying?
And if you’re not sure, that’s okay. An important skill in life after loss is eavesdropping on your own thoughts. It’s
not something most people are naturally good at, but it is something that can be learned with just a little extra focus.
It might help to jot down the thoughts you’re aware of. Ask yourself, what have I been thinking about in the last hour?
Or, if you’re more aware of how you’re feeling, you can start there. Notice how you feel in any given moment, and ask
yourself, why am I feeling this way? The answer will be your thoughts.
It’s normal to have negative and repetitive thoughts. Brains are hard wired to spot potential danger, and they’re hard
wired to be efficient. So negative and repetitive makes a lot of sense.
So don’t make yourself wrong for having negative and repetitive thoughts. It just means you have a normal human brain.
Just notice, are these thoughts focused in the past, or the future? In other words, is it rumination or worry? Or maybe a
combination of both?
In either case, it’s just good to notice, to get to know your own brain better, to be “on to” your brain. It’s good to
know your brain’s default position.
So that you can direct it. So that you can give your brain an assignment. If it wants to ruminate about the past, that’s
fine. And also, ask what it can learn from the past. Ask your brain to search the past for all you’ve accomplished. For
what went right. For the situations that felt insurmountable at the time, but turned out to be doable.
If your brain wants to worry about the future, that’s okay. And also, ask it to imagine a future that is abundant and
peaceful. A future in which you feel confident and certain, and a version of happiness that you hadn’t experienced
before. A future that has joy. A future that you created fueled by love.
We have a lot of control over our own thinking. To the degree we can understand our normal, default brains that tend to
be negative and repetitive, we can direct those very same brains to think other true and useful thoughts, on purpose.
Rather than tuning into default thoughts all the time, we can balance out the air time….meaning we can give equal air
time to the intentional thoughts we choose to think, on purpose.
So, three questions for you to consider: 1. Where does your mind wander, to rumination in the past, or worry in the
future? 2. What assignment can you give it instead? And 3. how are you balancing your air time between your default
thinking and your intentional thinking?
With this awareness, you can make incremental changes, and you’ll quite literally feel the difference right away, because
the thoughts you choose to think, on purpose, will cause different feelings in your body.
It isn’t time that heals, it’s intentionality practiced over time, and this is one example of intentionality that anyone
can practice. There is hope. Yes, life can be brutal, but it can also be beautiful.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for
you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s now
available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback, you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and
instant access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
