Episode 113: “I should be doing better by now”
5/28/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 113. In this episode, I address the common belief that you should
be doing better by now, and I offer 5 important considerations that will help you.
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No matter how long ago your person passed, you might be wondering if you should be doing better
by now. It’s a question I answer often, and it comes from people who are 6 weeks, 6 months and 6
years into this journey of life after loss.
A client recently was thinking that by now, at 1 1/2 years, she should be able to support other
people more.
If you’re thinking that you should be doing better by now, then your brain will quite naturally
find evidence to prove that it’s true, and it will also quite naturally block out any evidence
to the contrary.
You look around at others who have lost a spouse, see them on their best day, and decide that
they’re doing it better than you. They’re doing it “right” and you’re doing it “wrong.”
You have tears running down your cheeks first thing in the morning and you make it mean that
you’re not healing according to some standardized, linear timeline. (Which by the way, does not
exist.)
You experience a secondary loss that you didn’t see coming and it hits you like a ton of bricks,
and you tell yourself that you’re back at square one.
You have a day that just feels extra heavy and you hide under the covers and you make it mean
that you’re wallowing, feeling sorry for yourself.
The pile of laundry, the stack of mail, the deferred maintenance, and the overwhelm you feel
when you see it. You don’t feel qualified to figure out your life.
Maybe you gained weight, or lost too much weight, or have been overspending, over-scrolling,
over drinking, binge watching or keeping an overly busy schedule. Each of those have their own
negative consequence, and you make it mean that you’re failing.
So you become more and more convinced that indeed, you should be doing better by now. I know….I
did, too. And here’s what is important to know. In fact, if you think you should be doing better
by now, there are 5 things I want you to consider.
First, you didn’t sign up for this life. And no one told you how hard it was going to be without
your person. No matter how long ago your person passed, look around at your life and remind
yourself that it’s THIS hard. The more you can be kind and gentle with yourself, the better.
Which brings up the second point: Being kind and gentle with yourself is not the same thing as
wallowing. It will not keep you stuck. In fact, it will propel you forward. Your most important
relationship is with you. How you treat yourself matters, now more than ever. If kicking
yourself worked, I would teach a Masterclass on how to more effectively kick yourself. The truth
is that kicking yourself keeps you stuck. Loving yourself is the way forward.
Third, there is no one “right” way. There is no owner’s manual, no rule book. There are no grief
police and no one is handing out grades. There are no neat, tidy and linear stages, no boxes to
check, and no clear destination. No one can tell you the “right” way, or what you should be
doing. Your relationship with your spouse is unique, and your grief is, too. There are tools to
help, and having a supportive community of like-minded people who get it helps, too. But even
so, you aren’t doing it wrong because there is no wrong way. There is only your way, on your
terms, on your timeline.
Fourth, time, in and of itself, does nothing to heal. If it did, everyone who lost their person
2 years ago would be doing exactly the same. It’s just not true and the evidence is everywhere.
In every grief group there are people several years out who are no more healed than someone with
only days under their belt. What does heal is being intentional. Intentionality, practiced over
time, is what heals. Just a few examples of intentionality include being willing to feel
difficult feelings, questioning one’s own thinking, and learning how to best tend to the wound.
Finally, the fifth thing I want you to see is that you’re doing better than you think. Your
brain won’t naturally see what you have accomplished, or the ways that you ARE doing well. You
have to direct your brain to see this. I recommend keeping an accomplishment log and adding to
it regularly. It should include the things that you did that felt hard at the time. You’ll be
surprised, if you ask your brain for this, how long your list will be, no matter how long ago
your person passed.
So your brain will offer you the notion that you should be doing better by now. That’s what
brains do, is offer thoughts. That’s okay. Just observe it. Then, ask your brain to find all the
ways you’re doing well. Then it’s a matter of how much air time you give to each. Try to spend
at least an equal amount of time noticing what’s going well, adding to your accomplishment log
and feeling how that feels.
There will be a day that it comes more naturally. That you’ll more easily see and celebrate
yourself. You’ll look in the mirror and see someone who faced the darkest darkness, and kept
going. A person who kept facing each day, no matter how hopeless she felt. You’ll see a person
who fought hard, fueled by love, and made her way toward her future. That person is you.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback,
you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that
will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
