Episode 112: How to manage third wheel awkwardness
5/21/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 112. If you’ve ever felt like a third wheel as a widowed person,
you’re not alone, and this episode is for you. I offer practical tips to help alleviate the
awkward.
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I received an email recently from someone wondering when she will feel comfortable being with
other couples again. It’s an excellent question and a common one, so I want to address it today.
The sad truth is that many widowed people are no longer included in couples outings. It comes as
a shock because often, those are your closest and dearest friends. They’re the very people you
believed would be there for you. It’s a secondary loss that most people don’t see coming, and it
packs a punch.
For those who do attempt to reengage socially with couple friends, many feel like a third, or
fifth wheel. You may feel that you’re being treated differently. You may not feel completely
welcome. You may feel like a charity case, and you may be on the receiving end of unwanted
sympathy. And maybe the biggest challenge is that it shines a spotlight on your person’s
absence.
Social situations with couples can be tough to navigate. It’s yet another learning curve among
these many life lessons that you didn’t sign up for.
I want to offer 2 tips to help you.
First, question whether these are still your people. Your person’s death changed you, too.
People that former you enjoyed may not be the same people current you enjoys.
Conversations that former you found to be pleasant may seem entirely irrelevant to your current
self.
You’ve changed, and it’s easy to underestimate how much. You’re learning who you are, now. As
you learn her, you’ll learn who she needs in her social circle, and who is no longer a fit.
More than ever, you probably need at least a few grief savvy people in your life. Generally
speaking, most people realize that we don’t live in a grief savvy society. But when your person
passes, you become acutely aware of how few people actually have the skills to be with you.
So as you think about the people who once made up your social circle, ask yourself if these are
the people for your current self.
If not, it will help you to find grief savvy people who get it. Who will laugh with you over
dark humor and sit by your side while you cry. The people who won’t try to “fix” you, who won’t
attempt to rush you into some “next phase” of healing. Those people exist, and they are also
looking for their people. If you struggle to find them, I have included resources in the show
notes.
If, on the other hand, you decide that these are still the people for your current self, and if
they continue to include you, then let’s talk about tip #2. Feeling like a third wheel is
optional. It’s just a thought your brain is offering you. Which is what brains do.
Our human brains are always searching for ways that we don’t fit in. Why? Because there was a
time that fitting in meant life or death. Being kicked out of the village meant certain death,
because safety in numbers.
Our brains are still hardwired with that setting: fitting in means survival. So it makes sense
that brains are always on the lookout for ways we don’t fit in. Like when everyone is coupled
and you are not.
Thoughts are optional. While your brain might offer you the thought that you’re a third wheel,
you can still choose another thought that is true to you. Perhaps, “These people care about me
and want to spend time with me.” “I’m important to them and they’re important to me.”
That’s the trick, to direct your brain to think true to you thoughts that serve you. “I don’t
fit in,” is a thought that creates isolation. “These people want to spend time with me,” creates
connection.
There is a future version of you with a wonderful social circle, filled with old and new
friends, grief savvy and not. People who knew your person and people who only know them through
you. People who have the skills to sit with you when you cry, and other people who will show
their love with different skills, like fixing a flat tire or helping you clean up after a storm.
In the meantime, you are in the middle. Sometimes called the messy middle. You’re not your
former self. You’re learning yourself - grieving is learning. You’re learning how to interact
socially. You’re learning whether your old friends are your current friends. And all the while,
your brain is suggesting that you don’t fit in.
What matters most is what you’re directing your brain to think, on purpose.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback,
you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that
will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
