Episode 111: Your brain on grief
5/14/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 111. It’s frustrating and frightening when your grieving brain is
forgetful. In this episode, I explain why it’s completely normal, and offer simple strategies to
help.
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As I record this, I just got back from Camp Widow in Seattle, where I had the honor of
delivering a few presentations, two of which were to people in the first 12 months of widowhood.
A third presentation focused on the grieving brain. I asked why the attendees chose this
particular session, because there were other choices in that time block. And their answers
didn’t surprise me.
It’s frustrating when the brain doesn’t work like it once did. It’s not only frustrating, but
it’s frightening.
I remember thinking, “This might be what it’s like to have had a stroke. My brain isn’t working
and I can’t make it work.”
There is a mounting pile of paperwork. There are projects at work. Other people have
expectations of you, and you have expectations of yourself.
And yet you can’t find any sense of motivation. You can’t focus. It’s hard to read, it’s hard to
learn anything new. It’s hard to remember the things you once knew like the back of your hand.
So you try to use former tactics. You get tough on yourself, kick yourself, tell yourself that
you’re failing. That you should be able to figure this out.
But none of that works. And in fact, it keeps you stuck, suffering and feeling more stressed
than ever.
Here’s the truth: you’re not your former self, and that includes your brain. The loss of your
spouse impacts you- brain, body and spirit. It’s that catastrophic.
You’re not who you once were. You are this current version of yourself. Yes, there’s a future
version of you, but for now, what you’ve got is THIS version. And you don’t know her well, yet.
And that’s the most useful and productive task at hand: get to know THIS version of you: brain,
body and spirit. In this episode, I’ll focus on the brain.
Grieving is learning. Learning who you are, now, and how your brain works, now. How to best
support your grieving brain. Because giving it what it needs right now is the most efficient way
forward.
Here’s an example. Let’s say in life before loss, you completed 10 tasks a day, on average. That
might have been around the house tasks, or work tasks, or a combination. And it may have been
more or less, but for the sake of this example, let’s say you accomplished 10 tasks on an
average day.
In this life after loss, you find yourself completing 2 tasks on an average day. Which is
alarming. You wonder why you can’t do more. You criticize yourself for not handling this better.
You are certain that it will never get better. You tell yourself something like, “I should be
doing better by now.”
So on top of the stress of losing your person, which is significant, now we’re adding the stress
of how you treat yourself…..what you make it mean that your brain isn’t working…..and your fear
that it will never get better than this.
It’s piling stress on top of stress.
Friends, this is the way of it. Brains take a hit. There is a lot happening inside your brain
that is monopolizing it’s bandwidth. It is having to rewire itself to understand the world
without your person’s physical presence, and that’s no small task. It is attempting to
understand the loss, to make sense of it in some way. It’s trying to comprehend what the loss means. It’s on hyper alert for any potential danger. It’s priority is your safety.
And those are just a few examples of what your brain is busy doing.
Remind yourself that your brain isn’t failing you. It’s doing what it needs to do right now. It
is actually performing thousands of internal tasks. They just aren’t the same tasks as before.
Instead of being self-critical and fearful, try to find your way to curious observation.
Which can sound like: these days, it seems that I only accomplish one or two things each day. I
know my brain is busy accomplishing thousands of other internal brain tasks, so it doesn’t have
a lot of other capacity.
Today, ask your brain for only 2 tasks. Without adding the extra stress or pressure to do more.
Without that extra stress, your brain might actually be able to do a little more. But that’s not
the goal. The goal is to observe what your brain is able to do, and not expect more of it.
Your brain might need extra support. You might need to take notes about what you worked on,
where you left off, what the immediate next step is.
You might need to break things down into smaller steps.
What seemed like a one-step task may actually be 5 small steps.
It will take you much longer to accomplish a task than before.
You may need to learn how to do something that’s new to you.
It’s tempting to argue that it should be easier, or one simple step, or that it should take only
10 minutes, or that you should already know how to do it.
But the truth is that it isn’t. That’s the reality. Arguing with reality is a massive energy
drain. Syncing up with the reality will spare you that energy.
The truth is that you’ll have conversations and not remember them. You’ll forget things. You’ll
drive off with your wallet on the top of your car. You’ll lose your cell phone. You’ll find your
car keys in the refrigerator and the milk in the pantry. You’ll miss appointments. And while
none of that is ideal, it is 100% normal.
And when it happens try this preface: “This is the part when….”
This is the part when I don’t remember the conversation I recently had.
This is the part when I forget things.
This is the part when I miss an appointment.
This is the part when I can’t find my keys.
It’s THIS hard to exist without your person’s physical presence.
It just means that you have a normal brain that is overwhelmed with internal tasks.
There is a brighter future, I promise. Your brain WILL function better in the future. And the
most efficient way to get there is be gentle, kind and understanding of your brain now.
Love is the way forward.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback,
you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that
will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
