Episode 110: It’s okay to be happy
5/7/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 110. Feeling okay, and even happy, can feel disorienting and even
disrespectful after the loss of a spouse. In this episode, I offer two reasons why it’s okay to
feel comfortable emotions.
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When a spouse passes, grief moves in and takes over every single aspect of life. It can feel
like an exchange of sorts - you don’t have your person’s physical presence and what you have
instead, is grief and every single difficult feeling that it brings.
You find yourself living the worst case scenario. Some part of you would like to feel better
again. To feel like you’re truly living, not merely existing. And yet another part of you might
feel compelled to feel grief, and only grief.
At some point, grief is familiar. It’s not comfortable, but it’s familiar. The brain clings to
what is familiar. It fights for what is familiar. Because to the primitive part of our brains,
familiar means safety.
The cave might be cold and dark, but at least it’s safe.
It can be unfamiliar, and surprising when a day comes that you hear yourself laugh out loud. Or
you catch yourself smiling, or feeling a glimmer of happiness or joy. It’s disorienting.
And often we make ourselves wrong for feeling it. We make it mean that we didn’t love them
enough, or that we’re “moving on” or “leaving him in the past.” It can feel like betrayal,
because how can you be happy when your person is dead?
Being okay can make you feel that you’re losing your connection with your person.
Here’s what I want you to know. It’s okay to be okay. And here are two reasons why.
First, grief is only a part of our connection to our spouse. Only one part. There are many
others. For example:
Laughter is a connection to our spouse.
The little victories of assembling, repairing, and maintaining – are a connection to our spouse.
The good memories are a connection to our spouse.
Finding new meaning and purpose is a connection to your spouse.
Creating a life that is full and happy and beautiful is a connection to our spouse.
The second worst case scenario is existing without ever living.
It’s okay to feel happy. It’s okay to want more. Wanting more for yourself is a way to honor
your spouse. Even if wanting more means companionship or a relationship. You can want that, too.
The second reason why it’s okay to be okay, is that life is and will always be a mix of
comfortable and uncomfortable feelings. It’s the authentic human experience. You’ll feel both
happy and heartbroken at times. You’ll experience feeling both fulfilled and fearful. You’ll be
both upbeat and upset. Secure and self-conscious. Relaxed and restless.
So today if you feel joy, take it at face value. Don’t make it mean anything more than today you
feel joy. Soak it up.
And if tomorrow you feel sorrow, take that at face value. Don’t make it mean that you’re doing
anything wrong. Allow that feeling to be with you. Know that it’s neither forever, nor fatal.
No feeling is forever, not the comfortable ones and also not the uncomfortable ones.
In the early years after my husband’s passing, I felt 99.9% profoundly difficult feelings. And
then I started to notice it was more like 99/1. And then I’d have a few weeks that felt more
like 90/10. The question was whether I could allow for that 10% without making it mean I didn’t
love him enough. The challenge was getting reacquainted with comfortable feelings.
Now, over 12 years later at the time of this recording, I feel a lot of comfortable, joyful
feelings. I feel a sense of meaning and purpose, and when I look back, I feel more joy than
pain.
And also, because I’m human, I feel annoyed in traffic, stressed when I’m running late, anxious
when my house is cluttered, overwhelmed when there’s a lot to accomplish, sadness when a friend
loses a spouse, and the yearning I’ll aways have for my husband.
It’s all okay. It’s the way of it. And I’m capable of feeling all of it. I’m equipped with what
I think are the very best tools for grief and for life.
And that’s what I do today, is equip other people with the very same tools via this podcast, my
book and through coaching. I’m so glad you’re listening, and if this episode was helpful, please
share it with a widowed friend. As always, remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you.
Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s available by going to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbook I’ll send you a
signed copy of the book and the accompanying journal, plus you’ll get instant access to a 3-part
video series that will help you right away. Again, go to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbook
