Episode 109: You’re not doing it wrong
4/30/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 109. In this episode, I explain the temptation to criticize your
grief journey, and offer a simple and practical approach to help.
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There is no owner’s manual for losing your spouse. There are no rules, no guidelines, and
there’s no one handing out grades.
Which leaves you with no clear path. No way to gauge how you’re doing, to understand your
whereabouts.
Life after the loss of a spouse is chaotic and surreal and feels like craziness, so it’s common
to crave some sense of understanding.
If you look around, you likely see people who are not grief savvy, because much of our society
is not. It’s likely that you don’t have examples of other grieving people in your life.
I recently heard someone say, “I’m still crying after a year and a half.”
I’ve had conversations with people who have said, “It’s been 6 weeks and I can’t get it
together.”
A client recently said, “It’s been 5 years and I should have been able to figure this out.”
Because it’s difficult to gauge progress, we humans quickly decide that we’re doing it wrong.
That we should be further along by now. Or that we’re back at square one. Wallowing, or feeling
sorry for ourselves.
We make ourselves wrong when there are tears. Or when we look for our person in a crowd. Or when
we find ourselves listening for the front door to open. Or when we just want to sit on the couch
and binge watch, despite the stack of paperwork, the pile of laundry and the dishes in the sink.
And on top of making ourselves wrong, it’s common to decide that it will always be like this,
hurt like this.
None of it is true.
It’s important that you don’t believe everything you think. It’s not all true. It’s just your
brain offering thoughts, as brains do. You get to decide what’s true or not, and also, what
thoughts are useful or not. We humans get to direct our brains to think true and useful
thoughts, on purpose.
Here are three examples that you might consider, and try on for size.
It’s THIS hard to exist without my person.
I’m doing my best in the worst of circumstances, and of course it looks and feels imperfect.
It will not always feel like this. Grief is always changing.
It takes time for the brain to really catch on to this new reality. And by time, I mean years.
Your brain is rewiring itself to understand the world without your person’s physical presence.
That’s not an overnight process, it’s more like over the years process. This is why, at 5 years,
you might find yourself looking for them in a crowd, or picking up your phone to text or call
them.
Grief is something you’ll learn to carry, and eventually you’ll carry it well. Is it ever
completely gone? I don’t think so. But is it manageable? Yes, absolutely. You’ll have days and
weeks and even months when you’ll remember with more joy and far less pain, if any. And then, at
10 years, there will be a day that you’ll feel the weight of it, you’ll find tears streaming
down your face, and that will be okay.
There is a part of me that will always feel the yearning. And that yearning coexists with the
joy that comes from creating a beautiful life after loss. And along with joy there is pride,
because I kept stepping through a life that felt shattered, even when I hardly knew how to exist
without him. I kept stepping through the messy middle, the part when you’re uncertain and
fearful and vulnerable. I know that’s what you’re doing too.
On the outside, it looks like strength. But on the inside, it feels anything but strong. And yet
you keep showing up, taking the very next smallest step toward the life you didn’t sign up for,
but is nevertheless waiting for you. Spoiler alert: that life is differently beautiful,
differently meaningful. It includes your person, and it honors them, and it honors you.
So today, practice this thought: It’s THIS hard without my person. I’m doing my best. It will
not always hurt like this.
In other words, be kind and gentle with yourself. I promise, it’s the best way forward.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If you get it in paperback,
you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that
will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-
ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
