Episode 67: Your story about you
7/10/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 67. In this episode, I invite you to take a close look at the story you tell about yourself and I help you decide if it serves you now, in life after loss.
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How do you describe yourself?
I’m hoping that you’ll think about that today. Because it’s incredibly important to notice. It has astonishing power. And it’s something we don’t give much thought to.
So, how do you describe yourself?
Do you immediately think of your professional identity? For example, do you think of yourself as a caregiver, a business owner, or employee?
Or maybe what comes to mind first are your relationships. For example, you might think of yourself as your person’s spouse or widow, a parent, sibling or friend.
Perhaps when you describe yourself, your spiritual or religious identity is top of mind. Maybe you’d say you’re a beloved child of God.
Maybe you’d say you’re an athlete, a runner, a pickleball fanatic or a couch potato.
Maybe you think of yourself as someone who has struggled – with finances, health, relationships. And now, the loss of your person.
Or perhaps you define yourself based on the emotions you feel on a regular basis, like, “I’m an anxious person.”
How we describe ourselves offers insight into what we think defines us, and that offers insight into what we think limits us.
The truth is that it’s all optional. The story you tell about yourself is made up of thoughts. And thoughts are 100% optional and infinite.
You get to decide how you want to describe yourself. Even if it’s just to yourself.
Maybe you’ll forever describe yourself as your person’s spouse. Maybe you’ll describe yourself as widowed, and maybe not.
Maybe you’ll think of yourself as a victim of difficult circumstances.
Maybe you’ll think of yourself as gritty and resilient.
Maybe you’ll decide that you’re someone who is figuring it out.
It’s all optional. You can continue with the ways you’ve always defined yourself, or you can find new ways that are a better fit for you now.
My client Catherine shared this quote recently by James Clear, author of the best-selling book Atomic Habits, “The tighter we cling to an identity, the harder it becomes to grow beyond it.”
It’s important to hold each thought loosely. Hold it up in the light and examine it with fresh eyes.
Notice how each thought makes you feel. That’s a good indicator of whether the thought serves you.
While the loss of your person seems like it changed everything, maybe many of the ways you describe yourself actually haven’t changed.
And maybe others are outdated. Maybe they were never even your own thoughts. Perhaps you inherited them when you were young. Maybe some no longer fit you.
What’s important is that you don’t unconsciously define yourself. That you don’t continue to unknowingly default to former ways of thinking.
That instead you choose, on purpose, what’s true about you.
So here’s what I hope you’ll do today:
Make a list of how you’ve typically described yourself. Write as much as you can.
Then review each sentence. Notice how it makes you feel. Decide if you’d like to shop around for a different thought. What else might be true?
What if the opposite is actually true?
Does your story about you feel empowering? Are you proud of it? Does it make you feel hopeful?
There was a time after my loss that I could only describe myself as broken and lost. That thought seemed true, but it didn’t serve me at all.
Today I would say that I’m still my late husband’s wife. I’m a businesswoman, a farmer, and a horsewoman. I’m someone who is always learning; in pursuit of my own untapped potential. I’m a person who hits the gym daily so that I can age strong, hike mountains and stay in the saddle. I’m a person who believes in the potential of others, and that while life can be brutal, it can also be beautiful.
I’m a firm believer that love is infinite, and that love lives.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And if you’re listening on Spotify or Apple, would you please rate and review the podcast? This way it can reach more widowed people.
And please remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to check out my best-selling book, also titled Life Reconstructed. It has helped many thousands of people and it can help you, too. If you buy it on my website, you’ll also get the accompanying journal, plus a 3-part video series to help you feel better, starting right away. Simply go to https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle to get started today.
