Added Capacity to Love

Feb 26, 2021

I often hear widowed people say, “I could never find love like ours again,” or “I’ll never meet someone else like him.” I always wholeheartedly agree.  

When two unique people come together to form a unique bond, it truly is impossible to replicate. But what if replication was not the goal?

However you would describe your marriage – beautiful, loving, good, insert your descriptor here – consider that there are other varieties of beautiful, loving and good. Entirely different varieties, but no less beautiful, or loving, or good.

Maybe you find beautiful, loving or good from friendships, family or grandchildren. Or perhaps you find them in a new companionship or relationship.

When we consider this possibility, we can find ourselves stranded at the intersection of guilt and shame. Our brains may offer us thoughts like:

A new relationship would be disrespectful to him and our marriage.

It would be wrong to find happiness again.

It would mean that I didn’t love him enough.

We must question our thoughts: are they true and do they serve us?

Navigating life after loss is largely about choosing our thoughts wisely.

If you are a parent to more than one child, you would likely agree that your love for your second child did not detract from your love for your first.

Similarly, lighting a candle from another candle does not dim the first candle.  

If someday your heart finds new love, it will have expanded capacity for love. Your late spouse still gets all the love you have now. Your new love would get 100% of the expanded capacity. Your heart will love bigger; your candle will burn brighter.

I’m not suggesting that you should or should not find new love. I am suggesting that you don’t let unmonitored, potentially untrue, unhelpful thoughts rob you of the future that you want for yourself. I’m suggesting that you not believe everything you think. I’m suggesting that you monitor your thoughts and that you are willing to be wrong: to consider that the opposite might be true. I’m suggesting that you notice how your thoughts make you feel, and from that feeling, what actions you take. Notice the results you’re getting in your life, and know that results are a product of our thinking.

I wish you new capacity for love: for loving yourself and finding your way to loving your life again.

If you feel stranded at the intersection of guilt and shame, I see you. I spent a lot of time there, too. I’ve curated the best tools to get you moving again. My private coaching program called Life Reconstructed can help you find your way forward, on your terms. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and take bigger strides toward a life you love, simply apply here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.  

Learn more about Life Reconstructed.

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