Episode 183: Your Spouse’s Belongings: You Get to Decide
9/30/26
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 183. What are you supposed to do with your spouse’s belongings—and
when are you supposed to do it? In this episode, we’re talking about why there is no “right”
timeline, how to stop using someone else’s choices against yourself, and why you get to decide
which hard things you’re ready to take on—and which ones you’re willing to leave for another
day.
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Recently in group coaching, we were talking about something that comes up for almost every
widowed person at some point:
What do I do with my spouse’s belongings?
And, more specifically:
When am I supposed to do something with them?
As we talked, I noticed how different everyone’s experiences were.
Some people had asked family members to help manage their spouse’s belongings.
Some hadn’t started at all—and had no plans to start anytime soon.
Others had gone through a few things and found the experience incredibly difficult.
And I think this is one of those areas where it’s really easy to look sideways.
To look at what someone else is doing and compare it to what we’re doing.
She’s already cleaned out the closet.
He donated everything within a few months.
She hasn’t touched anything in three years.
He still has everything exactly where it was.
And then, because we’re human, we tend to make those differences mean something.
We use someone else’s progress against ourselves.
Maybe I’m behind.
Maybe I should be further along.
Maybe I’m avoiding something.
Maybe I’m holding on too tightly.
Maybe I’m not grieving correctly.
But do you know what it actually means if someone else has cleaned out a closet and you haven’t?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
If you never deal with your person’s belongings, or if you deal with them tomorrow, it literally
means nothing about how “well” you’re grieving.
There is no Manual.
There is no rule book.
There are no grief police.
And no one is standing at the end of this handing out grades.
You get to do this your way.
On your terms.
On your timeline.
And no one gets to tell you otherwise.
I still have my husband’s plaid shirts.
And I probably always will.
Not because I’m stuck.
Not because I haven’t healed enough.
Not because I’m unable to let go.
I have them because I want them.
That’s it.
I’ve chosen to keep them.
And I get to decide.
And then—I have my own back about that decision.
What do I mean when I say I have my own back?
I mean I don’t make my choice a problem.
I don’t use it as evidence against myself.
I don’t periodically look at those shirts and think, “Teresa, it’s been 14 years. Shouldn’t you
have done something with these by now?”
No.
They’re his shirts.
I love them.
I want them.
I’m keeping them.
End of story.
And you get to make your own decisions, too.
Maybe you want to keep everything exactly as it is.
Maybe you want to give some things to your children.
Maybe you want to donate things.
Maybe you want someone else to take care of it because you simply don’t want to.
Maybe you can manage one drawer and then you’re done for six months.
Maybe you’re ready to tackle the whole closet.
All of those are options.
None of them earns you extra credit.
And none of them means you’re doing grief better than someone else.
I think sometimes we forget how many decisions widowed people have to make.
There are so many things that actually require our attention after someone dies.
Financial decisions.
Legal decisions.
Household decisions.
Parenting decisions.
Work decisions.
Things with deadlines.
Things that simply cannot be ignored forever.
Those are required hard things.
And then there are optional hard things.
Things that might be difficult, but that don’t necessarily need to be done right now.
Your person’s belongings may be one of those things.
And if it is, you get to decide whether this is the hard thing you want to spend your energy on
right now.
Because you only have so much capacity.
Especially in grief.
So instead of asking yourself:
“Shouldn’t I be doing this by now?”
Maybe ask:
“Is this the hard thing I want to take on right now?”
Do I have the energy for this?
Do I have the readiness for this?
Do I even want to do this?
And if the answer is no?
Then leave it.
There will always be hard things.
You do not have to volunteer for every single one of them at the same time.
You get to pick the hard thing you have the energy and readiness to manage.
And you get to leave the rest.
Sometimes the pressure isn’t even coming from us.
Sometimes other people are asking.
“When are you going to clean out his closet?”
“Are you going to sell her car?”
“What are you going to do with all of his things?”
Maybe they mean well.
Maybe they’re trying to help.
Maybe your belongings are making them uncomfortable.
That still doesn’t make it their decision.
You can simply say:
“I’m not going to do that at this time.”
You don't owe them an explanation.
You don't need to convince them that your decision is reasonable.
You don't need them to agree with you.
As my friend Pam often says:
“No is a complete sentence.”
And I want you to remember that.
Because there are already enough difficult things about living after loss.
We don’t need to add the completely optional suffering of believing that we’re somehow doing it
wrong.
Your timeline does not need to look like anyone else’s timeline.
Your decisions do not need to look like anyone else’s decisions.
What someone else does with their spouse’s belongings tells you absolutely nothing about what
you should do with yours.
So if you’ve been looking at that closet, or the garage, or the nightstand, or the shoes by the
door, thinking:
“I really should…”
I want you to question the word should.
Who says?
Why now?
What if you don’t?
And what if you simply decide:
Not today.
Not now.
Maybe not ever.
And then have your own back about it.
Your spouse.
Your marriage.
Your belongings.
Your decision.
Everyone else gets to do it their way.
And you get to do it yours. If you are wanting to go through belongings, and you feel ready,
then the next episode is for you. I’ll talk about common roadblocks and how to navigate each
one.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, check out my newest book, Time Doesn’t Heal, Why High Achieving Widowed People Feel Stuck, and How to Rebuild a Meaningful Life. It’s now available on Audible, in paperback and Kindle, plus there’s an accompanying journal to help you apply what you learn. And, join the free course so I can help you even more. Links are in the show notes.
