Episode 172: The Purpose Series, part 3 of 5
7/15/26
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 172 of the podcast. This is part 3 of our series on meaning and
purpose after loss.
Last week, we talked about why caring for yourself after loss is not separate from rebuilding
your life. It is part of rebuilding your life.
We talked about grief being an energy drain. About how your brain, body, and nervous system are
all carrying this loss. And we explored the idea that maybe your current purpose is not
productivity or performance, but support. Getting your feet on the ground. Learning what helps.
And today, I want to take some pressure off you in another important way.
The pressure to know.
To know your future.
To know your purpose.
To know who you’re becoming.
To know what your life is supposed to look like now.
Widowed people often feel enormous pressure to figure life out after loss.
Sometimes the pressure comes from other people.
But very often, it comes from within. The brain is hard wired to have purpose.
And on top of that, if you’re a high-achieving person….
Your brain wants a plan.
A direction.
A roadmap.
A five-year vision.
It wants certainty because certainty feels safe.
And after profound loss, safety suddenly feels very important.
Your primitive brain is already scanning constantly for danger, instability, unpredictability,
and pain. So naturally, it tries to solve uncertainty as quickly as possible.
“What should I do with my life now?”
“Where should I live?”
“Should I move?”
“Should I date?”
“Should I change careers?”
“What is my purpose now?”
“What if I never figure it out?”
It’s easy to treat uncertainty like an emergency.
But uncertainty is not always an emergency.
Sometimes uncertainty is simply part of being human.
Especially after loss.
I love the notion by Henri Nouwen that we can live the question, or put differently, live with
the questions. Similarly, there’s a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke that says,
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.”
I love that idea so much.
Not force the answers.
Not panic about the questions.
Not shame yourself for not knowing.
Live with the questions. Love the questions.
In my book Time Doesn’t Heal, I talk about the importance of learning to live—and even love—the
question of purpose after loss.
Because purpose is not something you suddenly discover all at once.
It unfolds.
Quietly.
Gradually.
Unexpectedly.
But the primitive brain hates that answer.
The primitive brain wants immediate certainty.
It wants guarantees.
Control.
Predictability.
Proof.
And when it doesn’t get those things, it often creates panic:
“I’m behind.”
“I’m wasting my life.”
“I should know by now.”
“What if I never figure it out?”
But notice what those thoughts create.
Pressure.
Fear.
Tension.
Urgency.
Hopelessness.
And pressure tends to shut down curiosity.
Pressure narrows the mind.
Curiosity opens it.
That’s why I think living the question can actually create more emotional safety than demanding
answers from yourself prematurely.
Because living the question says:
“I don’t know yet—and that’s okay.”
“I’m allowed to learn.”
“I’m allowed to evolve.”
“I’m allowed to not have certainty right now.”
And honestly, I think many widowed people underestimate how much suffering comes from believing
they should already know.
Know how to grieve.
Know how long it will take.
Know what comes next.
Know who they are now.
Know their purpose.
But grieving is learning.
And learning takes time.
When you think about it, most meaningful things in life unfold gradually.
Relationships.
Parenthood.
Careers.
Confidence.
Wisdom.
Identity.
And yet after loss, people often expect immediate clarity about an entirely reconstructed life.
That’s an enormous expectation.
Especially while grieving.
Now, this does not mean you stop living your life while you wait for purpose to magically
appear.
Living the question is still living.
It’s staying engaged.
Paying attention.
Noticing.
Learning.
Exploring.
Reflecting.
But without the constant pressure to arrive.
And I think this is particularly important for widowed people because many of you are trying to
rebuild while simultaneously carrying fear.
Fear that life will never feel meaningful again.
Fear that joy means disloyalty.
Fear that if you move forward, you leave your person behind.
Fear that you already lived the best part of your life.
Those fears are natural.
But fear also tends to block curiosity.
Curiosity says:
“What if there are still meaningful experiences ahead?”
“What if purpose changes across seasons of life?”
“What if I don’t need to force clarity?”
“What if my job right now is simply staying open?”
And staying open is brave.
Especially after heartbreak.
Especially after disappointment.
Especially after life unfolded differently than you imagined.
Now, I also want to acknowledge that many widowed people feel frustrated by vague conversations
about purpose.
I understand that.
I think purpose can exist in very small moments too.
In caring for yourself.
In showing up for the people you love.
In supporting a friend.
In walking outside.
In allowing yourself to laugh again.
In learning.
In resting.
In healing.
In surviving hard seasons.
Purpose doesn’t always arrive dramatically.
Sometimes it quietly grows while you’re busy living.
And often, clarity comes more from movement than from overthinking.
From participation rather than perfection.
From willingness rather than certainty.
So if you’re someone who feels panicked because you don’t know exactly what your future looks
like yet, I want you to hear this clearly:
You do not need a complete roadmap in order to begin rebuilding a meaningful life.
You do not need every answer today.
You are allowed to be in process.
You are allowed to not know.
You are allowed to live the question.
And maybe even, eventually, to love the question.
Before we close today, I encourage you to spend some time with the journal prompts for this
episode.
And next week, we’re going to build on this idea by talking about curiosity, experimentation,
and giving yourself permission to try new things after loss.
Until then, be gentle with yourself.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, check out my newest book, Time Doesn’t Heal, Why High
Achieving Widowed People Feel Stuck, and How to Rebuild a Meaningful Life. It’s now available on Audible, in paperback and Kindle, plus there’s an accompanying journal to help you apply what you learn. And, join the free course so I can help you even more. Links are in the show notes.
