Episode 171: The Purpose Series, part 2 of 5
7/8/26
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 171. This is part 2 of our series on meaning and purpose after
loss.
Last week, we talked about intentionally separating your former self from your current self.
About recognizing that the version of you from before loss was operating with different
information, different capacity, and a completely different reality.
And we ended by considering that maybe your purpose right now is learning who you are today.
In this episode, I want to build on that idea by talking about something many widowed people—
especially high-achieving widowed people—strongly resist.
Self-care.
And not just self-care as a nice idea.
Not self-care as a getaway to Sedona, although that sounds nice.
But self-care as actual purpose after loss.
Now before your brain immediately rejects this conversation, stay with me.
Because I know what many of you are thinking.
You’re thinking:
“That sounds selfish.”
“That sounds lazy.”
“That doesn’t count as purpose.”
“I should be doing more, contributing to society.”
“I need to get my life together.”
“I should be farther along by now.”
And if you’ve had thoughts like that, you are not alone.
We are often taught to measure worth through productivity.
Through output.
Through contribution.
Through accomplishment.
Through pushing through.
Through handling things.
Through being dependable.
Through staying strong.
And many of those skills likely served you very well before loss.
But grief changes the equation.
Because grief is not simply emotional pain.
Grief impacts the brain.
The nervous system.
Nearly every system in the body.
Energy levels.
Concentration.
Memory.
Sleep.
Motivation.
Decision-making.
Patience.
Stress tolerance.
This is one reason widowed people often say things like:
“I don’t even recognize myself.”
“I used to be so organized.”
“I used to handle everything.”
“I can’t focus anymore.”
“I’m exhausted all the time.”
“I can’t get motivated.”
And often, instead of responding with compassion, people respond with self-criticism.
What many grieving people don’t fully realize is that grief is a massive energy drain.
Your brain is working constantly in the background trying to process a reality it never wanted
to accept.
Your nervous system is often operating in survival mode.
Your body is carrying stress hormones far more often than before.
Even if you’re functioning.
Even if you’re working.
Even if other people think you’re “doing well.”
Internally, your system may still be under enormous strain.
And yet many widowed people continue expecting themselves to perform at pre-loss levels without
adjusting for any of this.
Imagine expecting your phone battery to function all day at full capacity while it’s sitting at
8% first thing in the morning.
That’s what many grieving people are doing to themselves.
And then criticizing themselves when they can’t sustain it.
So today, I want to offer you a different perspective.
What if self-care is not a distraction from finding your purpose?
What if it is a fundamental part of finding your purpose?
What if caring for yourself is not weakness, but wisdom?
Because the reality is, your current self has different needs than your former self did.
And those needs matter.
Now, I also want to acknowledge something important here.
Many widowed people resist self-care because they think it means failure.
Like if they slow down, rest, ask for help, set boundaries, or reduce expectations, it somehow
means they’re failing.
But in fact, it’s what makes rebuilding possible.
And I think this becomes especially important for widowed people because many of you are
incredibly skilled at overriding yourselves.
You know how to push through exhaustion.
Ignore stress.
Suppress emotion.
Stay productive.
Keep performing.
But the body keeps score.
The nervous system keeps score.
And grief has a way of exposing the limits of survival mode.
So when I talk about self-care today, I’m not talking about perfection.
I’m talking about support.
Supporting your body.
Supporting your mind.
Supporting your nervous system.
Supporting your energy.
That may look like:
getting more sleep,
eating consistently,
drinking water,
going outside,
moving your body gently,
saying no,
asking for help,
seeking silence,
taking breaks from the news,
allowing yourself to rest without earning it first.
And I know some of those things sound incredibly basic.
But grieving people often stop meeting even basic needs because grief consumes so much
bandwidth.
And then the primitive brain steps in with judgment:
“You should be doing better.”
“You’re too emotional.”
“You’re too tired.”
“You’re behind.”
“You’re wasting time.”
But notice:
those thoughts don’t create healing.
They create more depletion.
More suffering.
More shame.
More pressure.
And pressure rarely helps grieving people heal.
Support does.
Compassion does.
Intentional care does.
This is one reason I often teach my clients to do what I call a “battery check.”
Instead of asking:
“What should I be accomplishing today?”
Try asking:
“What is my current energy capacity today?”
Because your capacity may change dramatically from one day to the next.
And learning to work with your current capacity instead of against it creates far less
suffering.
Now, I also want to say this clearly:
Self-care after loss is not about avoiding grief.
It’s not about numbing.
Escaping.
Pretending.
Or bypassing pain.
It’s about helping your system carry grief more sustainably.
Because this is hard.
It is THIS hard to exist without your person’s physical presence.
And your body knows it.
Your nervous system knows it.
Your brain knows it.
So maybe your purpose right now is not becoming “productive” again.
Maybe your purpose right now is..…
Learning what helps.
Learning what drains you.
Learning what restores you.
Learning what support actually feels like.
Because many widowed people have spent their lives taking excellent care of everyone else while
barely noticing themselves.
And grief often exposes that imbalance.
Now, does this mean self-care is your forever purpose?
Probably not.
But it may be your current purpose.
And current purpose matters too.
Because rebuilding a meaningful life doesn’t begins with giant leaps.
It usually begins with smaller acts of care, nourishment, honesty, and support.
One choice at a time.
One moment at a time.
One breath at a time.
And as you begin supporting yourself differently, you may notice another kind of pressure
showing up.
Pressure to know your future.
Pressure to know your purpose.
Pressure to have answers.
But many times, healing does not begin with answers.
It begins with learning how to stay open to the questions.
So next week, we’re going to talk about what it means to live the question of purpose without
the immediate pressure to figure it out.
Until then, I encourage you to spend some time with the journal prompts for this episode.
Notice where your brain resists self-care.
Notice the thoughts attached to it.
Notice what your current self may actually need from you right now.
Be gentle with yourself.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, check out my newest book, Time Doesn’t Heal, Why High
Achieving Widowed People Feel Stuck, and How to Rebuild a Meaningful Life. It’s now available
on Audible, in paperback and Kindle, plus there’s an accompanying journal to help you apply what you learn. And, join the free course so I can help you even more. Links are in the show notes.
