Episode 170: The Purpose Series (part 1 of 5)
7/1/26
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
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Hello and welcome to episode 170. Today, we’re beginning a five-part series all about meaning
and purpose after loss.
Over the next five weeks, we’ll talk about who you were before loss and who you are now, living
with the questions instead of demanding immediate answers, curiosity and trying new things, and
finally, abundance and possibility after loss.
Each episode will also include free downloadable journal prompts to help you go deeper and apply
what you’re learning to your own life. You can simply listen if that’s what you need right now,
or you can pause and write and reflect along the way. You can listen to all five episodes in
order, or just choose the topics that resonate most with you. There’s no right way to move
through this series.
And honestly, I think that’s fitting for grief too.
There’s no single right way to rebuild a life after loss.
What I hope this series offers you is less pressure and more permission. Less urgency and more
curiosity. Less self-judgment and more compassion.
Because grieving is learning.
And learning takes time.
So today, we’re starting with something foundational: who you were before loss, who you are now,
and why separating those two versions of yourself may help you suffer less.
When widowed people look back on decisions they made before their spouse died, they often do it
through the lens of who they are now.
Current knowledge.
Current perspective.
Current awareness.
Current grief.
And that creates a tremendous amount of suffering.
You think things like:
“I should have known.”
“I should have done more.”
“I should have seen the signs.”
“I can’t believe I handled it that way.”
But here’s what I want you to consider today:
The version of you from before loss was operating with different information, different
capacity, different stressors, different priorities, and a completely different reality.
She did not know what you know now.
He did not know what you know now.
And yet if you’re like me and many of my clients, current-you keeps putting former-you on trial.
This is something I coach people on all the time, because our brains are very good at using
hindsight against us.
Your brain wants to create certainty. It wants to believe that if only you had done something
differently, maybe the outcome would have changed. Because that can feel safer than accepting
how little control we truly had.
But many times, what you’re actually doing is expecting your former self to possess knowledge
she simply did not have access to then.
So today, I want to offer you a small but powerful shift.
When you think about your former self, I want you to refer to her as “she.”
Or him as “he.”
And when you think about yourself now, use “I.”
Not because you are disconnected from your former self. But because this creates enough space to
see her more clearly and compassionately.
“She was doing her best.”
“She was overwhelmed.”
“She was exhausted.”
“She didn’t know.”
“She was trying to survive something impossible.”
Notice how different that feels from:
“I was stupid.”
“I failed.”
“I should have known.”
One creates compassion.
The other creates suffering.
And remember, suffering is like the salt we pour into an already painful wound.
The wound is the loss itself.
The salt is what we add through harsh judgment, self-criticism, unrealistic expectations, and
using present-day awareness against a past version of ourselves.
Now, this doesn’t mean we never learn from the past.
Of course we do.
Grieving is learning.
But learning is very different from self-punishment.
One moves you forward.
The other keeps you stuck.
And here’s another important piece of this conversation:
Many widowed people are trying desperately to become who they used to be.
Especially high-achieving people.
You want your old energy back.
Your old motivation.
Your old personality.
Your old tolerance.
Your old identity.
Your old certainty.
You keep waiting for the “real you” to come back.
But what if the goal is not becoming who you were before loss?
What if the goal is learning who you are now?
Because grief changes people.
Not only emotionally, but physically, neurologically, relationally, spiritually.
Your priorities may change.
Your tolerance may change.
Your interests may change.
Your nervous system may change.
Your relationships may change.
And none of that means you are broken.
It means you are human.
The problem is that many widowed people expect themselves to function exactly like they did
before loss while carrying a completely different internal reality.
That expectation alone creates suffering.
So maybe your purpose right now is not finding your forever purpose.
Maybe your purpose right now is much smaller and much more immediate.
Maybe your purpose right now is:
learning what helps,
learning what hurts,
learning your current capacity,
learning your current needs,
learning how to care for yourself,
learning how to support your nervous system,
learning who you are now.
And I know that answer can feel deeply unsatisfying for high-achieving people.
Because your brain wants a mission.
A plan.
A five-year vision.
A measurable outcome.
But healing rarely works that way.
Healing often looks much slower, softer, and less linear than our brains want it to.
Sometimes purpose after loss begins not with contribution, but with compassion.
Purpose begins not with productivity, but with presence.
Not with certainty, but with curiosity.
And I think there’s something incredibly brave about being willing to meet yourself exactly
where you actually are instead of demanding that you instantly become who you used to be.
Because the truth is, your former self cannot guide you through this version of life.
Only your current self can.
And she’s still learning.
You’re still learning.
And that’s okay.
Before we close today, I encourage you to spend a little time with the journal prompts for this
episode. Not to rush yourself toward answers, but simply to notice what comes up.
Notice your thoughts.
Notice your patterns.
Notice where compassion feels difficult.
Notice where judgment shows up automatically.
Awareness is powerful.
It’s powerful because it creates choice.
And as you begin getting to know who you are now, you may notice something that you might find
to be uncomfortable: your current self has very different needs than your former self did. Needs
for rest. Space. Simplicity. Nourishment. Support.
And if you’re anything like most high-achieving widowed people, part of you probably resists
that.
So next week, we’re going to talk about why self-care after loss is not selfish, lazy, or a
distraction from purpose. It may actually be your purpose right now. It is something that makes
a big impact on the grief journey.
Until then, be gentle with yourself.
Grieving is learning.
And learning takes time.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, check out my newest book, Time Doesn’t Heal, Why High
Achieving Widowed People Feel Stuck, and How to Rebuild a Meaningful Life. It’s now available
on Audible, in paperback and Kindle, plus there’s an accompanying journal to help you apply what
you learn. And, join the free course so I can help you even more. Links are in the show notes.
