Episode 167: Guilt is different than regret, and why that matters
6/10/26
Music
You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 167. If your brain constantly replays the past, you are not alone.
Thoughts like “I should have known,” “I should have done more,” or “if only…” are incredibly
common in grief. In this episode, we’ll explore the important difference between guilt and
regret and why understanding that difference can lighten an already heavy journey.
Music
Today, we’re talking about guilt and regret after the loss of a spouse. Two emotions that are
incredibly common, incredibly heavy, and often misunderstood. And rarely talked about.
And I want to start by saying this: if you’ve been carrying guilt or regret since your person
died, you are not alone.
In fact, I think nearly every widowed person I’ve ever worked with has struggled with this in
some form.
Maybe your brain offers thoughts like:
“I should have done more.”
“I should have noticed sooner.”
“I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I wasted time.”
“I took them for granted.”
“If only I had…”
The brain loves to replay the past after loss. Like a highlight reel of everything you wish had
gone differently.
And unfortunately, many people end up trapped there for years.
I know I was.
After my husband died, my brain replayed every moment where I was impatient, distracted, too
focused on work, or simply being an imperfect human. I judged myself relentlessly.
And then there was his death. I thought that I should have been able to see the signs. I felt so
incredibly guilty.
What I didn’t understand at the time was that there’s actually a difference between guilt and
regret.
And understanding that difference matters.
Because when we lump everything together as “guilt,” we often create unnecessary suffering.
So let’s separate them.
Guilt is when you knew better and chose differently anyway.
You had all the information. You understood the impact. And you knowingly did something against
your own values.
Regret is different.
Regret is when you made the best decision you could with the information, awareness, emotional
capacity, and perspective you had at the time.
That distinction matters.
Most widowed people I speak with are not carrying guilt.
They’re carrying regret.
Regret that they didn’t know time was short.
Regret that they couldn’t prevent something they were never actually in control of.
Regret that they were human in a relationship instead of perfect.
And the brain has a tendency to rewrite history after loss.
Once we know the outcome, the brain suddenly believes we should have known all along.
But you didn’t.
You knew what you knew then.
Not what you know now.
And that matters.
One of the thoughts my brain offered repeatedly after Ted died was:
“You should have been able to save him.”
That thought created enormous suffering for me.
Not because it was true.
But because I believed it.
Thoughts create feelings.
That’s important to understand.
Guilt and regret do not come from circumstances.
They come from the thoughts we think about those circumstances.
And when we don’t examine those thoughts, they quietly drain our energy.
They consume mental bandwidth.
They keep us stuck in self-judgment.
They make healing feel disloyal.
They convince us we deserve suffering.
Many widowed people unknowingly carry the belief that if they stop feeling guilty, it means they
didn’t love their spouse enough.
But suffering is not proof of love.
Love already exists.
You don’t have to punish yourself to prove it.
And guilt and regret don’t only show up about the past.
They also show up in the present and future.
You may notice thoughts like:
“I shouldn’t laugh.”
“I shouldn’t feel okay.”
“I shouldn’t enjoy myself.”
“I shouldn’t want companionship.”
“I shouldn’t rebuild.”
“If I live fully again, what does that say about my love?”
Those thoughts are exhausting.
And they often go unquestioned.
So this week, I want you to simply begin noticing.
Notice the thoughts your brain offers you.
Especially the ones that begin with:
“I should have…”
“I shouldn’t…”
“If only…”
Write them down.
Get curious about them instead of immediately believing them.
Ask yourself:
Is this guilt?
Or is this regret?
Did I truly know better at the time?
Or am I judging my past self using information I only gained afterward?
That question alone can create enormous relief.
And here’s something else I want you to notice:
Guilt and regret are expensive.
Not financially.
Energetically.
They drain the exact energy you need for healing, rebuilding, decision-making, working,
functioning, and caring for yourself.
They add suffering to an already painful experience.
And grief is already heavy enough.
You do not need to carry unnecessary weight too. Be sure to download the journal prompts for
this episode - the link is in the show notes.
Next week, in episode 168, we’re going deeper.
I’m going to teach you how to deal with guilt and regret instead of simply carrying them
forever.
Because while these emotions are common, they do not have to become permanent.
And if this topic resonates with you, I also want to invite you to my free live webinar
happening June 18th called: “Guilt and Regret: A Practical Way Forward.”
We’ll go much deeper there than I can in these brief podcast episodes, and I’ll teach practical
tools to help you stop living in self-judgment and give yourself permission to truly live again.
You can register using the link below.
And if someone you love is carrying guilt after loss, please share this episode with them.
And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
Music
If you’ve found this podcast helpful, check out my newest book, Time Doesn’t Heal, Why High
Achieving Widowed People Feel Stuck, and How to Rebuild a Meaningful Life. It’s now available on Audible, in paperback and Kindle, plus there’s an accompanying journal to help you apply what you learn. And, join the free course so I can help you even more. Links are in the show notes.
