Episode 166: Finding YOUR People After Loss
6/3/26
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 166. I often encourage widowed people to find other widowed people
because there is deep comfort in being around people who truly understand life after loss. But
sometimes you finally find a grief group or widowed community… and realize they’re not your
people. Today, let’s talk about why that happens, and why it’s okay to keep looking for the
connections that truly fit you.
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One thing I often encourage widowed people to do is find other widowed people. And there’s a
reason for that. There is something deeply comforting about being around people who just get it.
People who don’t need an explanation for why the grocery store makes you cry, why evenings feel
impossible, or why certain dates still hit hard years later.
But today I want to talk about something important that can happen once you do find other
widowed people.
Sometimes… they’re not YOUR people.
And that can feel discouraging.
You finally work up the courage to attend a grief group or widowed meetup, hoping to feel
understood, and instead you leave feeling disconnected, exhausted, or wondering if something is
wrong with you.
Nothing is wrong with you.
Not every widowed person will feel like a fit for you. And that’s okay.
Let’s talk about why. I want to offer 3 reasons today.
First, they may not look like you demographically.
Maybe they’re older than you by decades.
On the surface, that can feel like a deal breaker.
I was widowed at 39. And the person who carried me through my first year was Erma. She was 95
years old.
Ninety-five.
And I needed her desperately.
I needed her wisdom. Her steadiness. Her calm nervous system. Her ability to see me clearly,
even when I insisted I was “fine.”
She gave me practical advice piece by piece because she understood that my brain had limited
capacity. She didn’t overwhelm me. She didn’t try to fix me. She simply stayed present.
So I want you to stay open to the possibility that your people may not look exactly like you
expected.
Sometimes healing comes through unexpected intergenerational connection.
Second, you may meet widowed people who say things like:
“It’s been five years and it hurts like yesterday.”
This one is common, so I want to address it further.
First, I think it’s evidence that time alone does not heal. Which is the title of my new book,
Time Doesn’t Heal.
Time passing and healing are not automatically the same thing.
And there are many understandable reasons why someone may still feel deeply stuck in pain years
later.
One reason is that we often have to give ourselves permission to heal.
And that can feel terrifying.
Because our brains may offer us thoughts like:
“If I heal, then I didn’t love them enough.”
“If I’m happy again, I’m betraying them.”
“If I stop suffering, I’ll lose my connection to them.”
I know this because my brain offered me those exact thoughts.
For years, I believed misery was proof of love.
That suffering was somehow….I don’t know…. honorable.
That if I wasn’t devastated forever, then maybe I hadn’t loved my husband enough.
But today, I can tell you that none of that is true for me.
Losing a spouse is incredibly difficult. It changes everything.
For some people, it will always feel like the defining event of their life.
For others, it becomes a defining event.
Both experiences exist.
And there is also an option — though often an unconscious one — to opt out of life. To survive.
To bide time. To exist instead of truly live.
And I understand that deeply.
No judgment from me.
Because I did that myself for a long time.
But eventually, I realized I wanted more than survival.
I wanted to learn how to live again in a way that honored both Ted and myself.
A third reason that not every widowed person is a fit for you is that some people need to retell
their story over and over again.
And this is completely understandable.
Telling the story can be part of processing reality. Part of integrating what happened.
But you may notice that you don’t currently have the capacity to hear those stories on repeat.
That doesn’t make you cold hearted or selfish.
It just means you need to tend to yourself, your needs.
Notice how you feel when you leave a grief group.
Do you feel lighter?
More understood?
More hopeful?
More connected?
Or do you feel depleted, flooded, anxious, or emotionally buried?
That information matters.
It’s okay if a group helped you for a season and now feels complete.
It’s okay if a group simply doesn’t feel like a fit.
One of the most important things to understand in grief is that not everything will help you.
And when something doesn’t help you, you can simply put it right back where you found it and
continue moving along your unique path.
So friends, when I encourage you to find widowed people…
I’m really hoping you’ll find YOUR people.
The people who feel like a fit.
The people who understand grief, yes — but who also understand you.
People who want to learn.
People who want to heal.
People who want to grow.
People who want to honor their spouse while also learning how to live again.
People who want to reconstruct a differently beautiful, differently meaningful life.
Those are your people.
And they are out there.
I promise.
There are people just like you, looking for people just like you.
And no judgment whatsoever toward anyone whose path looks different. This journey is incredibly
hard.
But we don’t want to ask stuck people how to become unstuck.
We want to surround ourselves with people who are learning how to move forward with intention,
compassion, and hope.
Which, by the way, if you’re in or near the Chicago area, Camp Widow is happening this month on
June 13th.
Despite the name, there is no actual camping involved.
It’s a conference specifically for widowed people, hosted by Soaring Spirits International, and
I’ll be there presenting.
I would absolutely love to meet you. Please drop by my sessions to say hello.
And if you can’t make it, Soaring Spirits also offers regional social groups and virtual
opportunities to connect with other widowed people around the country.
I’ll drop the links in the show notes.
I hope this episode was helpful.
Please share it with a widowed friend who needs to hear it.
And remember: I believe in you, and I’m here for you.
