Episode 165: 5 Things That Feel “Wrong” After Loss—But Are Completely Normal
5/27/26
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 165. If you’re newly widowed, it can feel like nothing about you
makes sense anymore. In this episode, I normalize five common experiences in early grief so you
can stop questioning yourself and start understanding what’s actually happening.
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Have you ever picked up your phone to text your person…
and then remembered?
Or listened for the garage door… just for a second…
like they might be home?
Or looked for them in a crowd… without even thinking?
And then thought—
What is wrong with me?
Well keep listening. Because nothing is wrong with you, and I’m going to explain why.
Hello and welcome to episode 165.
If you are newly widowed, it can feel like nothing about you makes sense anymore.
Your thoughts, your emotions, your reactions—they can feel unfamiliar… even alarming.
And one of the most painful parts of this experience isn’t just grief itself.
It’s believing you’re doing grief wrong.
So today, I want to normalize what you’re going through.
Because by “newly widowed,” I mean the first 12 months…
but everything we’re talking about today often extends well into the second year, too.
Grieving is learning.
And today, I want to help your brain learn what’s actually happening—
so you can replace self-doubt with understanding.
1. Reaching for your person
You pick up the phone to call or text them.
You listen for the garage door.
You expect them to walk through the door.
And then reality hits.
You know they passed…
but your brain hasn’t fully caught up yet.
This is not denial.
This is not you being “stuck.”
This is your brain doing exactly what brains do.
Your brain was wired, over time, to understand the world with your person physically present.
Their presence was part of your normal daily experience.
And now, your brain has to rewire itself to understand a completely different reality.
That doesn’t happen overnight.
It happens gradually.
So when this occurs—and it will—
instead of criticizing yourself, simply notice it.
“This is my brain learning.”
Nothing has gone wrong here.
2. Relationships feel different
You may be noticing that your relationships have shifted.
People you thought would be there for you… aren’t.
Others feel awkward, uncomfortable, or distant.
Conversations that once felt easy now feel irrelevant or even draining.
And some people—
just being around them takes every ounce of energy you have.
This is incredibly common.
When you lose your spouse, you don’t just experience one loss.
You experience a series of secondary losses—and relationships are often part of that.
You’re learning:
Who is grief savvy… and who isn’t.
Who has the capacity to hear the real answer to “How are you?”
Who will stay with you… and who won’t.
And here’s the important part:
Don’t take this personally.
People aren’t showing you who you are.
They’re showing you who they are. Their capacity to interact with you, or not.
And as painful as that can be, it gives you clarity.
It also highlights something essential:
You need people who understand you—without explanation.
Grief-savvy people.
Those relationships will be incredibly meaningful and supportive.
3. People don’t understand you
And this one can feel especially isolating.
People don’t understand you.
They say things that don’t help, and even hurt.
They expect you to be further along.
They don’t realize how hard this still is.
And as frustrating as that can be…
Good for them.
Because unless you know, you don’t know. You probably don’t want them to know.
We didn’t know either—until we did.
So instead of wishing that others understood you, while that would be so nice…..
your work is to understand yourself.
To learn about grief.
To learn what’s normal.
To unlearn the myths we’ve all been taught.
Because the more you understand what you’re experiencing,
the less you’ll need others to validate it.
And that gives you stability—regardless of what others say or don’t say.
4. Your energy is incredibly low
Grief is a major energy drain.
So if your energy feels low—
that is not a personal failure.
It’s that your brain and body are processing an enormous loss.
That takes energy.
So of course you don’t have the same capacity you once did.
And where people often get stuck…
is not in the grief itself—
but in how they respond to themselves while grieving.
Self-criticism is one of the biggest energy drains.
When you tell yourself you should be doing better,
should be further along,
should be handling this differently—
you’re draining the very energy you need just to get through the day.
So it becomes essential to start noticing your energy drains.
Your thoughts.
Your expectations.
And yes—sometimes the people in your life.
You get to be intentional about who and what has access to your time and energy.
Because right now, your energy is precious.
5. Self-care is necessary—and different now
You have never been this version of yourself before.
And you have never needed self-care the way you do now.
But here’s the key:
What used to work… likely won’t work now.
So this is not about going back to who you were.
It’s about becoming a student of yourself—right now.
Learning:
What restores your energy.
What depletes it.
What you need more of.
What you need less of.
That might look like:
Doing less in a day.
Resting more than feels “productive.”
Saying no without over-explaining.
Giving yourself permission to opt out.
The goal is not perfection.
The goal is awareness.
Because the more you learn how to care for yourself in this season,
the more supported you will feel—from within.
To take today’s episode further, and consider it in your own life, get the free downloadable
journal prompts I created for you. Use the link in the show notes.
If you take nothing else from today, remember this:
Nothing about what you’re experiencing is wrong.
You are learning. Grieving is learning. Be gentle with yourself.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’re listening as this episode is released, I’m offering a free live presentation tomorrow,
Thursday, May 28th at 9am pacific time called What Newly Widowed People Need to Know.
In this training, I’ll walk you through three core concepts that will help you in the first year
of loss—and show you exactly how to apply them in your daily life.
You’ll also learn the number one reason widowed people stay stuck and suffering—and what to do
instead.
We’ll talk about how to actually lighten the burden of grief, what healing really means, and how
to begin rebuilding a meaningful life in a way that honors your person and yourself.
Your camera won’t be on. You’ll only see me. You can simply listen. You can type questions if
you want. And you’ll be surrounded by other widowed people who get it.
The link to register is in the show notes. I would love to have you there.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/newly-widowed-webinar
Get your free downloadable journal prompts for this episode by clicking here:
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/podcast-download-episode-165
