Episode 158: The first ingredient for healing (that’s often missing)
4/8/26
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 158. Many widowed people try to navigate grief using the same
strategies that once brought success — discipline, pressure, and self-criticism — only to find
they no longer work. In this episode, I explore why self-love is not egotistical but essential,
and how learning to treat yourself with compassion becomes a powerful path toward healing.
You’ll learn why loving yourself is the first step to understanding yourself — and ultimately
rebuilding a meaningful life.
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Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
You’ve probably heard me say this before:
Love is the way forward.
And I get it.
That might sound foreign.
Maybe even uncomfortable.
Because most of us were never taught how to love ourselves.
We weren’t taught how to be kind with ourselves.
How to be gentle when times are hard.
How to support ourselves when we feel like we’re failing — or when we very clearly failed.
And we definitely weren’t taught how to cheer for ourselves when we’re winning.
When we accomplish something — big or small.
So today, I want to talk more about this.
Why love is the way forward.
Why it’s not egotistical to love yourself.
And how you actually begin to do it.
So let’s dive in.
First, I want to sell you on loving yourself.
Because for most people, what’s familiar and automatic is being tough on yourself.
Kicking yourself into gear.
Forcing discipline.
Setting deadlines.
Pushing harder.
And maybe that worked before.
You’ve gone far in life.
You’ve accomplished a lot.
You know how to execute.
You know how to perform.
But now you’re living life after the loss of your spouse.
And the usual strategies don’t work.
They don’t yield results.
They don’t create relief.
They don’t move you through grief toward healing.
Instead, they create frustration.
Self-doubt.
Confusion.
You find yourself thinking:
“I’ve figured out everything else. Why can’t I figure this out?”
The answer is not that you’re failing.
The answer is that you need new tools.
And the first tool is this:
Set down self-criticism and trade it for self-love.
I promise you —
If kicking yourself were the way through grief, I would teach you five simple strategies to be
tougher on yourself.
But it doesn’t work.
In fact, it’s a roadblock.
What does work is kindness toward yourself.
Having your own back.
Seeing yourself clearly.
You are someone facing one of the most catastrophic experiences of human life.
A plot twist no one could have prepared you for.
You’re picking up pieces.
Learning new roles.
Making decisions you never wanted to make.
Can you feel compassion for this version of you? If I could go back to my newly widowed self, I
would give her a long, silent hug, and then I’d tell her that it’s going to be okay, that she
will make it, and she will create a life that honors him and the person she’s becoming. I would
cheer her on, I would pick her up when she fell, I would hug her often and encourage her to
simply take the next step. In short, I’d love her.
Can you do that for yourself? If not, what holds you back?
Maybe you’re concerned that loving yourself is egotistical. Because that’s a common concern. In
short, the answer is:
No. It isn’t. And here’s why….
Egotistical behavior is actually rooted in insecurity.
It’s about comparison.
Superiority.
Proving something.
And it often ignores how others feel. You know the type.
Self-love is different.
Self-love is rooted in security.
Compassion.
Acceptance.
It allows growth.
And ultimately, it strengthens connection with others.
When you stop attacking yourself, you become more available to love others well.
So loving yourself is not selfish.
It’s foundational.
I love myself.
And I think you should love yourself too.
Not because we’re perfect.
We’re human — which means we are clearly not perfect.
But because the human experience is messy.
And grief makes it messier.
More uncertain.
More overwhelming.
Can you love the version of you who feels fearful?
Uncertain?
Exhausted?
The one who keeps showing up.
Trying.
Failing.
Trying again.
The one who is single-handedly troubleshooting life in the worst chapter she never chose.
That’s you.
And she needs your love.
So here’s a simple place to start:
Talk to yourself the way you would speak to someone you love dearly who was in your exact
situation.
I know it won’t feel natural at first.
Most people were trained in criticism, not compassion.
So this will take intentional practice.
But it’s worth it.
Because on the other side of loving yourself is understanding yourself.
And on the other side of understanding is healing.
And growth.
And a life that feels meaningful again.
So loving yourself is not egotistical.
And it does not require perfection.
It requires humanity.
And willingness.
Love really is the way forward.
And it starts with you.
If this episode resonated with you, I invite you to share it with someone who might need it.
And if you’re ready to learn how to apply this in a deeper, practical way, I’d love to support
you further. I created free journal prompts to help you apply these concepts in your life. The
link is in the show notes.
Until next time —
Remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, check out my newest book, Time Doesn’t Heal, Why High
Achieving Widowed People Feel Stuck, and How to Rebuild a Meaningful Life. It’s now available
in paperback and Kindle, plus there’s an accompanying journal to help you apply what you learn.
And, join the free course so I can help you even more. Links are in the show notes.
