Episode 153: The Habits That Can Go Unnoticed
3/3/26
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 153. Have you ever noticed that you wake up feeling the same way
most days? That’s not random — it’s habitual. In this conversation, we’ll explore how thoughts
running quietly in the background create emotional patterns, and how simply noticing them can
begin to shift your grief experience.
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Hi, and welcome back to the podcast.
Today’s episode is about habits — and I want to talk about something most of us never stop to
consider… not just what we do habitually — but what we feel habitually.
Because when we think about habits, we tend to think about actions.
Brushing your teeth.
Taking a shower.
Making coffee in the morning.
These are all things you do habitually — meaning you don’t give them much thought. You simply do
them. They happen on autopilot.
And that’s the thing about habits… they run in the background of your life.
But it’s not only actions that are habitual.
Feelings are, too.
You probably know someone who is constantly stressed… or overwhelmed… or exhausted. It’s more or
less who they are.
But this isn’t just true for “someone else.”
It’s true for all of us.
Feelings become habitual.
Lately, I’ve been noticing that feeling rushed has become habitual for me. And I’m reading a
book right now called The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer — and it is blowing
my mind.
It has me asking myself:
Why do I feel rushed so often?
What am I thinking that creates that feeling?
So let me ask you…
What are your habitual feelings lately?
Maybe anxiety.
Sadness.
Disorientation.
Loneliness.
Indecision.
For this episode, I’ve created a free download with journal prompts to help you explore your own
habitual feelings, and then, take next steps to shift your habits if you want to. You’ll find
the link in the show notes.
Why Feelings Become Habitual
The reason feelings are habitual… is because thoughts are habitual.
What we’re thinking — consciously or subconsciously — creates our feelings.
And I want to pause here and say something important:
There are no “right” or “wrong” thoughts or feelings.
I don’t find it useful to label thoughts as good or bad, positive or negative. That framing
tends to create self-criticism… and self-criticism is never helpful in grief.
What is useful… is noticing cause and effect.
Circumstances happen in our lives.
We have thoughts about those circumstances.
Those thoughts create feelings.
Those feelings drive our actions.
And those actions, over time, create results in our lives.
Just noticing this chain — without judgment — is incredibly powerful.
The Habit Loop
Researchers believe humans have around 60,000 thoughts per day.
Some are conscious… but about 80% are subconscious.
And 90% are repetitive.
Ninety percent.
And what is repetitive… becomes habitual.
So habitual thoughts — the ones playing in the background that we hardly notice — create
habitual feelings.
Those feelings drive habitual actions.
And those actions create the results we’re living in.
Let me give you an example.
You probably believe brushing your teeth is a good idea. Years ago, you learned it prevents
cavities and keeps your gums healthy.
You’ve practiced that thought for so long that you don’t consciously think it anymore.
You just brush your teeth.
The thought is habitual.
The action is habitual.
And the result is a good dental report.
Now let’s look at a grief example.
Circumstantially, your spouse passes.
Among many thoughts, one might be:
“I should have been able to save them.”
That thought creates guilt.
From guilt, you withdraw from friends and family.
You don’t give yourself permission to feel happiness again.
You hold yourself accountable… and lock yourself away in a prison of your own creation.
And the result?
A life sentence of merely existing. Biding time.
No judgment, my friend — because this example comes from my own life.
The thought that I should have been able to save him played on repeat in my mind.
So often that it became habitual.
Eventually, I stopped hearing the thought consciously… but I continued feeling the guilt.
And I continued living a metered, restricted existence.
All out of habit.
So today, I invite you to consider your own habits.
You might notice actions you’re taking… or not taking.
You might notice thoughts playing on repeat in your mind.
You might notice that you wake up feeling overwhelmed… and then feel overwhelmed all day, every
day.
You might notice results in your life that you don’t particularly like.
Just notice.
With curiosity.
Never self-criticism.
Remember — grieving is learning.
You’re learning yourself… your mind… your patterns… your capacity to heal.
American psychologist Carl Rogers once said:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
So notice your habits.
Accept them as they are.
Get curious about them.
And remember — you are walking through the worst-case scenario.
Above all…
Be gentle with yourself.
The best news is that we humans get to think about what we think about (that’s what this episode
is all about) and then we get to think true, useful and kind thoughts, on purpose. It’s a bit
like creating a playlist of our favorite songs and listening on repeat, only it’s a playlist of
thoughts to think, on purpose. In episode 17 of this podcast, I dive deeper into this topic.
I’ve included a link to that episode in the show notes. I hope you’ll give it a listen. And be
sure to download the free journal prompts for this episode - to capture your own habits, and
exactly what to do next.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, check out my newest book, Time Doesn’t Heal, Why High
Achieving Widowed People Feel Stuck, and How to Rebuild a Meaningful Life. It’s now available
in paperback and Kindle, plus there’s an accompanying journal to help you apply what you learn.
And, join the free course so I can help you even more. Links are in the show notes.
