Episode 148: What is healing?
1/28/26
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 148. In this episode, we’re taking a close look at the word
healing, what it means, what it doesn’t, and the best way forward.
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Today, we’re talking about a word that gets used a lot after loss—but is rarely defined in a way
that actually helps.
Healing.
Because when life delivers the most unwanted, horrific plot twist imaginable—your spouse dies—
the idea of “healing” can feel ill-defined, impossible, and sometimes even disrespectful.
So let’s talk about it. Honestly. Carefully. Without platitudes.
When someone says, “I hope you’re healing,” or “Time will help you heal,” it can land wrong.
Because what does that even mean?
What are you supposed to be aiming for?
I want to offer a few definitions—ones that actually make sense in the context of spousal grief.
Here’s one I deeply appreciate, from an author unknown to me:
Healing is the process of remembering with less pain and more joy.
I’ll say that again.
Healing is the process of remembering with less pain—and more joy.
Another definition I find helpful is this:
Healing is when grief no longer dominates your life.
Not when it disappears.
Not when it’s gone.
But when it’s no longer running the show.
For me, healing has looked like learning to carry grief the way you’d carry a backpack.
I’m strong now. And a backpack is a great way to carry something.
I can go weeks—sometimes months—without consciously noticing that it’s there. And then there are
moments when I’m very aware that I’m wearing it.
But still—I would never set it down.
That backpack contains my love.
Our story.
His story.
Our joy.
And my ache for his physical presence.
Healing, for me, has also meant learning to stop pouring salt in the wound.
Because for a long time, I didn’t know I was doing that.
Self-criticism.
Guilt.
Impossible expectations.
Once I stopped pouring salt in the wound, I could actually learn how to tend to the wound.
And eventually—slowly—I could build a differently beautiful life that honors him and honors the
person I’ve become.
Now, it’s just as important to be clear about what healing does not mean.
Healing does not mean that we’ve “let them go.”
It does not mean we’ve “moved on.”
It does not mean we’ve “gotten over it.”
Honestly, I don’t even know what those phrases are supposed to mean.
Healing does not mean we’ve lost our connection to them.
Many widowed people cling tightly to grief because it feels like the one remaining connection.
But in my experience, joy is a connection too.
Happiness is a connection.
Laughter is a connection.
And in my opinion, they are stronger, clearer connections than pain alone.
Healing also does not mean that we’re no longer honoring them.
We honor them with the lives we build.
We honor them by integrating them into those lives—in whatever way feels right to us.
And if the shoe were on the other foot—if my husband had been the one left behind—I know exactly
what I would want for him.
Two things, actually.
First, I would want him to grieve in the way he needed to. Because I know grief can’t be outrun.
The way through is straight through.
And second, I would want him to truly live his one, precious life.
To live big enough for the two of us.
To laugh loud enough for the two of us.
To love—and be loved—big, in honor of what we shared.
Healing is not a checkbox.
It’s a process.
It’s a journey—not a destination.
It requires love and patience, because it is not linear.
It is not categorical.
It is not time-stamped.
It’s messy.
And that’s the way of it.
The best way forward is love.
Love for yourself.
Love fueled by the love you share—and yes, I say share in the present tense, because I believe
love is eternal.
Love is the way, friends.
Love lives.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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Friends, I wrote a new book this past summer, and I can’t wait to share it with you. It’s called
Time Doesn’t Heal: Why High Achieving Widowed People Feel Stuck and How to Rebuild a Meaningful Life. There’s an accompanying journal, too. And they’re almost ready. Join the waitlist and be the first to know about the release date. Simply click the link in the show notes.
