Episode 137: When the People You Love Don’t Understand You
11/12/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 137. In this episode, I’m talking about the painful reality of
being misunderstood after losing a spouse—especially in the holiday season. I share why even the
people who love you most may not understand your grief, and I offer simple language you can use
to set expectations, give yourself permission, and protect your energy.
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Welcome back to the podcast. Today we’re talking about something that comes up often in grief,
and it tends to feel especially raw around the holidays: when the people you love don’t
understand you.
With Thanksgiving right around the corner in the US, maybe you’ve already felt the tension
building—family expectations, invitations, traditions that feel unbearable, or comments that
sting because they show just how little people “get” what you’re going through.
Losing your spouse is incredibly difficult all on its own, not to mention the fallout. One of
the most painful parts can be realizing that the people closest to you—your family, your dearest
friends—don’t really understand what this loss is like for you, or what it means for you.
A neighbor once shared that after her father died after a long illness, she thought she could
just “scoop Mom up into her life and she would be okay.” But what actually happened was this:
she lost her dad, and the mom she had always known was gone too.
And that’s the way of it. Death’s impact is that it changes both spouses, one in obvious ways,
and the surviving spouse, in less obvious ways.
And here’s the painful irony: at a time when you need most to feel seen, understood, and
supported, those who love you most often can’t provide that. Not because they don’t love you—but
because they truly don’t know what this is like. They can’t possibly know.
Even you are still learning what this is like. Grief means getting to know this current version
of yourself, this life you didn’t sign up for. It’s learning how to walk through a world that
feels foreign.
And yet, it won’t always hurt this much. I want to say that again: it won’t always hurt this
much. There is a future version of you who is living a meaningful, beautiful life again.
But for now, understand this: Because you’re still learning yourself, it’s tough to explain
yourself to someone else.
Practical Tools
So what can you do when those around you don’t understand—especially during a holiday like
Thanksgiving?
You can give yourself language. Here are some things you might say when you’re misunderstood or
pressured:
“I’m learning who I am now.”
“I’m learning how to step through this life.”
“I am doing what I believe is best for me right now.”
“Everything is different, including me.”
These phrases are simple, honest, and they create expectations without needing to over-explain.
So, practice the language that works best for you. That’s the first tip.
Second, give yourself permission. You don’t owe anyone a certain performance at Thanksgiving
dinner. You don’t have to sit through conversations that drain you. You don’t have to eat
pumpkin pie if it brings too many tough memories. You are allowed to make a plan that
prioritizes your well-being.
That might mean staying home, going somewhere new, setting a time limit, or having a backup plan
ready if it all feels too heavy.
So the second tip is: Think about what you might need, and give yourself permission to have it.
Finally, find grief-savvy people who do “get it.” Whether that’s simply listening to this
podcast for now, or finding a support group, or a trusted friend who knows how to listen without
fixing, lean on those connections. They make all the difference.
As Thanksgiving approaches, remember: it’s okay if the people who love you don’t understand you.
You’re still learning yourself! But what matters most is that you understand this about yourself
—you deserve compassion, the kind you give to yourself in the most difficult chapter of your
life.
You’re learning who you are now. You’re learning how to step through this life. And you’re doing
what you believe is best for you right now.
Be gentle with yourself, love yourself. Love is the way forward.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback, plus there’s an accompanying
journal to help you apply what you learn. Links are in the show notes.
