Episode 118: Calming the Fear: Tools That Actually Help
7/2/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 118. In this episode, we’re taking a closer look at fear—why it’s a
normal part of the grieving human experience, and more importantly, what you can actually do
when it shows up. I’ll share simple, practical tools you can start using right away.
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Welcome back to the podcast. Before we jump in, I want you to know that the Kindle version of my
best selling book, Life Reconstructed, is just 99 cents next week, from Monday, July 7th through
Sunday, July 13th. It’s sold over 7,500 copies and I know it will help you, too. Grab yours next
week for just 99 cents, or send it to a friend. With that, let’s talk about fear.
In A Grief Observed, the book he wrote after the death of his wife, C.S. Lewis writes, “No one
ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
No one told me, either.
I felt panicked whenever I became convinced that I couldn’t do this life without him.
I was afraid of people - including people I had always known to be trustworthy and kind.
I feared the unknown, and certainly the thought of living out the rest of my life without my
husband’s physical presence sent me into full blown panic.
Those are just a few examples, and I bet you can relate. If you’re living with fear in the
aftermath of your person’s passing, no matter how long ago they passed, this episode is for you.
It helps to normalize fear in the context of losing a spouse. Although A Grief Observed was
first published in 1961, I could find almost no information connecting grief to fear, a no
resources to help.
It does make a lot of sense. You’ve been through a lot. The worst case scenario happened. And it
sent the primitive part of the brain into a panicky, function-on-overdrive mode. That’s the part
of the brain with only one job, which is to keep us alive. When our spouse passes, the primitive
brain operates on high alert, searching for any sign of possible danger. The nervous system is
amped.
Which means that the prefrontal cortex part of the brain goes offline. That’s the epicenter of
reasoning, logic, and impulse control. In many ways, it’s the adult in the room.
We’re designed this way and for good reason. If you were in actual danger, say, you’ve
accidentally stepped into traffic, your primitive brain would spot the danger, and it’s job
would be to quickly get you back to the safety of the sidewalk. You wouldn’t want to stand in
front of oncoming traffic and overthink that. Your prefrontal cortex would be and should be
offline.
With grief, we aren’t in actual danger, but the brain behaves as if we are.
So let’s talk about what can we do to help ourselves.
First, notice and normalize it. Which can sound like, “Right now, I feel fear, and that’s a
normal part of grief.” Or…
“Right now I’m feeling panicked, and that’s normal and okay.”
It’s incredibly important to be kind to yourself, in these moments and in all the moments.
Making yourself wrong for feeling fear will not help, and in fact, it will make matters worse.
Fear is a part of grief, and if you’re experiencing fear, then you’re not exempt. This is the
way of it.
So first, notice it and normalize it, and then be kind to yourself.
Next, try some simple and practical strategies to calm your nervous system. These are not one-
size-fits-all, of course. But if you can keep an experimental mindset, you’ll find strategies
that work well for you.
Draw deep breaths. There are too many breathing techniques to share here. The internet is full
of helpful information, and I’ve linked a resource I like in the show notes. It’s worth trying
various breathing techniques that work best for you.
Meditation. There are wonderful resources for meditation and mindfulness for those who are
grieving. Insight timer, Calm, and Headspace are just a few resources.
Prayer. If you’re a praying person, pray when you are overcome by fear. It was incredibly
helpful for me.
Grounding techniques engage the 5 senses to help you manage fear and return to the present
moment. They also help you regain a sense of control and reduce the intensity of emotions.
Physical activity of any kind can help. In her book The Grieving Brain, Dr. Mary-Francis
O’Connor writes of her own personal experience with panic, Quote “The only thing that helped me
during panic was matching my physical activity to the amount of adrenaline my body pumped out….”
Unquote.
It’s an interesting concept she offers - matching physical activity to the amount of adrenaline
the body pumps out. That’s something to experiment with. I had a client who found relief in
twice daily hot yoga sessions. For other people it’s lifting weights, or long walks. A few years
into my own loss, I began learning Krav Maga, a form of self-defense training. I was shocked at
the release it provided me and how therapeutic it felt. It must have matched my adrenaline
levels, and it certainly introduced me to new friends and allowed me to be anonymous among
people who didn’t know my story.
I encourage you today, as always, to keep learning. As often as possible, maintain a curious
mindset. You’re learning yourself, now. You’re learning your needs for now. You’re learning your
own nervous system and how to calm it. You’re experimenting with various techniques and noticing
the results in your body. This doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen with intentionality
practiced over time.
There is a future version of you, too. She knows how to calm her nervous system. She knows what
technique works best for what situation. She’s calm, confident and kind to herself. And that
spills over onto the people she loves. She got to that place by loving herself as she learned.
She is you.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will
help even more. The Kindle version is on sale for just 99 cents from July 9th to July 13th. The
link is below. It’s also available on Audible.
Get the Kindle version by clicking here: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Reconstructed-Finding-
Happiness-Rebuilding-ebook/dp/B09MDQ3JT1/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0
Get the Audible version by clicking here: https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?
source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
Resource referenced in this episode:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/breathing-lessons-0501124
