Episode 116: The overachiever’s guide to grief
6/18/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 116. In this episode, I offer two tips for the overachiever
grievers who feel pressure to do it “right.”
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Welcome back if you’re a regular listener, and if you’re new to the podcast, I’m so glad you’re
here.
There is no shortage of books, tips, tools and philosophies on grieving your spouse. In the
early years after my husband passed, I felt a certain amount of pressure to remember and apply
every single tool or concept I learned about grief and healing. And if it didn’t seem to fit, I
made it mean that I wasn’t doing it “right.”
At some point I heard someone say, “If it isn’t a fit for you, put it right back where you found
it, and move along.” I felt such relief.
Without realizing it, I was being an overachiever. Reading everything I could find. Requiring
myself to study hard to get an “A.” Trying to measure my progress against some vague standard
that in truth, doesn’t exist. And most of the time, it felt like I was failing.
The truth is that losing your spouse isn’t a one-size-fits-all journey. There is no way to get
an “A,” because no one is handing out grades, and there are no grief police on patrol, either.
There was no way to prepare for the loss, and there is no owner’s manual to guide us after the
loss, either.
Grief is unique, because each marriage is unique, made up of two unique people. So just as much
as no one knows “just how you feel,” also no one can tell you the one “right” way.
The journey is about finding tools that are a fit for you. That make sense to you. That you can
apply and that actually help you.
If someone offers advice that falls flat, you don’t have to try to apply it.
If you leave a grief group feeling worse than when you arrived, you don’t have to go back.
If the pain of others is too much for you to bear, it’s time to do something different.
If you don’t have the capacity to commiserate, you’re not required to.
If friendships drain you, you get to change the expectations or bring the friendship to a close.
You’re learning who you are, now, which is not who you were before your loss.
And you’re learning how THIS version of you interacts in the world. You’re learning what is
actually helpful for her, and what is draining.
This isn’t something you could have learned previously, you’re only able to learn it now.
There is no set curriculum, no linear stages, no boxes to check upon completion, as nice as that
would be.
Instead, it’s a process of learning, applying, noticing if it’s helpful for you, rinse and
repeat. Trial and error.
Don’t stop experimenting, don’t stop learning, don’t stop trying things on for size. If
something isn’t helpful, that’s okay, it wasn’t a fit for you. Don’t make it mean that you’re
failing. Every tool, concept, or piece of advice is NOT going to be a fit for you. That would be
impossible.
But what is for you…..will stick with you. You won’t have to rack your brain to try to remember
it. When you hear something that is a fit for you, you’ll remember it. It will hit differently,
it will give you pause, and you’ll know it’s for you.
The best bits of advice I received after my loss created a ripple effect inside of me. I knew it
was the right advice for me.
And in my experience, even the things that I wanted to reject, stayed with me. My subconscious
brain held onto it, examined it, considered it, marinated on it. In other words, I couldn’t
shake it. That which stays with you….is for you. Even if you can’t understand it yet.
So my message today, friends, is relax. Take what is a fit for you, and leave the rest. Trust
that what is for you…will stay with you.
Grieving is learning, and everything you learn that is for you, is moving you forward toward the
life that’s waiting for you. You’re stepping your way there, fueled by love. It’s messy. It’s
gritty. And yet you keep stepping, learning, growing.
You already know that life can be brutal. Life after loss can be beautiful, too…..in a way that
honors your person and you.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe
in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this episode helpful, check out my free webinar on how to overcome overwhelm.
You’ll understand the real reason you feel overwhelmed (which isn’t what you think) and you’ll
get simple strategies to break free. Go to https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/overwhelm and
you’ll get instant access.
That’s www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/overwhelm. The link is in the show notes.
