Episode 77: Boundaries, what they (really) are and when and how to set them
9/18/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 77. This episode is all about boundaries – what they are, what they are not, and when and how to set them.
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Each of us have a rule book for every person in our life. It’s called The Manual, and while we never tell the person what the rules are, we most definitely expect them to behave accordingly. I talked about this in detail in episode 76.
Likewise, the people in our life have a rule book for how we should behave. We don’t exactly know what their rule book says, but when we don’t act appropriately, they are displeased with us. When we don’t grieve the “right” way, or fast enough, they will try to help us do it better.
We think we can control people, for their own good of course. And people think they can control us. But the truth is that no one can control anyone, and it’s no fun to spend our life trying. It’s pure frustration.
I talked about this in detail in episode 76.
For our own mental well-being, we need to burn the Manuals and let all the adults in the world behave exactly how they behave. It doesn’t mean we condone behavior, it just means that we release the reigns of attempted control (because, those reigns simply don’t work and never have).
But what about when boundaries are necessary?
First, let’s define a boundary, and let’s start by what it is not:
A boundary is not an attempt to get someone to follow your Manual for them (remember, we burned the Manuals). Said differently, a boundary is not an attempt to control someone.
A boundary is needed when there is a violation of your physical or emotional space. Which each person gets to define for themselves, but let me offer some examples that are true for me.
A violation of my physical space is when someone comes to my house and walks in the door without knocking.
Another example is when someone is too close to me, or is touching me in a way that I’ve not invited. I’m a hugger, granted, but I have to know the person first.
Examples of a violation of my emotional space would include people being angry, inconsiderate, or just plain rude. It doesn’t matter whether their behavior is directed at me or not, I simply choose to not be around behavior that’s inconsistent with the peaceful life I’ve created for myself.
How would you define a violation of your physical or emotional space? That’s important to know. It’s the first step, in fact. Remember, we’re not trying to control anyone’s behavior. We’re simply defining what is a violation of your physical and emotional space.
To set a boundary is to make a clear request with a clear consequence.
It allows the person to have free will. For example, “If you choose to argue with each other in my presence, I will leave.” Notice I’m not saying, “You can’t argue.” It gives the people free will to argue if they want to. And the consequence is clearly stated, I’ll leave.
Here are more examples:
“If you walk into my home without knocking, I will ask you to leave.”
“If you choose to smoke in my car, I will drop you off because I don’t allow smoking in my car.”
Always follow through on the stated consequence. And spoiler alert, following through will be uncomfortable. But be willing to feel that discomfort. Otherwise, the boundary will not be taken seriously, which will be exponentially more difficult for you.
A healthy boundary sounds like this, “You get to act however you would like, but if you do X, I will then do Y.”
Most boundaries are unspoken. We don’t tell people, “If you punch me in the face, I’ll no longer be your friend.” It’s just not necessary, generally speaking. It would be weird.
But in life after loss, things do get weird. Relationships can change. People start behaving differently. Some people might feel entitled to your things, your person’s things, or your home. Some people just show up out of the blue, after making no contact with you for decades. I bet you have examples like this in your life.
Boundaries are needed, maybe more than ever after the loss of a spouse.
But remember, we’re not trying to control anyone’s behavior. Who has the energy for that, anyway? Let them act however they’re going to act. If their behavior is a violation of your physical and/or emotional space, then put a boundary in place.
If you do X, I will do Y.
If that boundary is violated, you must do Y. You must take your promised action. That short term discomfort will be worth it.
Your life will become simpler, and you deserve that and so much more.
If this episode was helpful, and you’re listening on Apple or Spotify, please rate and review it so it can reach more widowed people. And no matter where you’re listening, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’re feeling overwhelmed and uncertain, check out my free webinar called Confident Decision Making. Sign up to watch and get instant access plus you’ll receive the link via email so you can watch it later. The link is in the show notes. https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/confident-decision-making
