Episode 52: Acceptance: what it does and doesn’t mean
3/27/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 52. In this episode, I offer a clear definition of acceptance - what it means and more importantly, what it doesn’t mean - and how it can help you feel better today.
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After your spouse passes, you struggle with this new reality that you didn’t sign up for. It doesn’t seem real. It’s incredibly hard to accept.
Today I want to talk about acceptance, and lack thereof. We’re going to look at it in two specific ways.
First, the brain genuinely doesn’t understand what’s happened.
For months and even years after your loss, your brain still expects your person to walk through the front door. Or you find yourself listening for the garage door to open. Or you look for them in a crowd.
Of course, you know that your person died.
But you’ve spent years and maybe decades with your person. Your brain understands the world with their physical presence. It now needs to rewire itself, and that takes new lived experiences.
In the meantime, your brain is genuinely confused.
The best way to support yourself is to know that your brain is adjusting to this new reality. Know that it’s completely normal to anticipate them coming home, even though you know they died. Your brain needs time to catch up, to rewire. Be patient with it. Remind yourself, lovingly, that rewiring requires new lived experiences, and that takes time.
Please don’t kick yourself when this happens. You simply have a normal human brain trying to understand that the unthinkable has happened. Be gentle with yourself.
In addition to the genuine confusion you experience after loss, the brain offers thoughts that I would call arguing with reality.
It often sounds like:
“This shouldn’t have happened to him, to us,” or “He should be here.”
These are sentences that your brain offers, and they seem so very true. It’s completely normal to have thoughts like these, and there’s nothing at all wrong with it.
But they feel extra terrible. Arguing with reality always feels extra terrible. And anytime there’s a chance to feel less terrible, I want you to know about it.
Because the journey is hard enough already. It doesn’t have to be one ounce harder than necessary.
So, be “on to” your brain. Notice when it offers thoughts that argue with reality. Notice how they make you feel. Decide if you want to continue to think these thoughts. Maybe you do! Maybe you give yourself a time limit. Or perhaps you want to practice acceptance.
Let me define acceptance. It’s a tricky word. We make it mean more than it actually does.
Acceptance is simply saying, “this happened.”
It factually happened.
Acceptance does not mean that you condone what happened. Or that you would have chosen it. Or that you’re letting people off the hook in any way.
It simply means that it happened. In exactly the way it did.
Acceptance is syncing up with the reality of the situation, at least for a moment.
If you choose it for yourself, you will suffer less. You’ll lighten the load you carry. It’s a milestone moment in the journey.
Will you still have moments of genuine confusion about your reality? Yes.
Will you still have thoughts that argue with reality? Also, yes.
Both are normal.
Be patient with your brain as it learns to understand the world anew.
Be patient with your brain as it offers a wide variety of thoughts that argue with reality, and then redirect it, if you choose, toward syncing up with your reality.
For no other reason than to feel a little better.
You deserve that.
If you’re listening to this episode as it is released, the doors close today on the April, 2024 cohort of my Life Reconstructed coaching program. There won’t be another until the fall, so join us in April by clicking the link in the show notes.
If this episode was helpful, please rate and review it. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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