Episode 15: Why you donât have to âmove onâ
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. Iâm so glad youâre here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
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Hello and welcome to episode 15. In this episode I do more grief myth-busting, this time with the notion that itâs time to move on, and why it just isnât true.
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In the last episode, I busted the popular grief myth that you must âlet him goâ in order to properly grieve. Now weâll tackle an equally popular and well-intentioned bit of advice: âItâs time to move on.â
This statement suggests that we should leave the past in the past, accept reality, and stop wallowing, because by societal standards, after all, itâs time. Youâve had âenoughâ time to grieve. Now you just need to move on, if for no other reason, so that the people who care about you can stop worrying about you. If youâre âmoving on,â everyone else wonât have to experience the awkwardness of trying to support you. Itâll just be better for everyone.
But the problem is that âmoving onâ is akin to âletting him go.â It feels horrible. Many widowed people interpret moving on as disregarding their person, their marriage, their shared past and planned future. They feel that moving on would be like hitting delete on all the things that have meant everything. Itâs leaving him in the past.
Personally, I have never moved on.
What I HAVE done is put one foot in front of the other. I have moved forward with him and for him. I have allowed myself to dream again. I have considered how I might live a life big enough for the two of us. I have taken significant steps toward that life.
Iâm proof that âmoving onâ is not a requirement. Itâs simply a thought. While it might be a thought that serves some people, for many it simply doesnât work. It causes extra, unnecessary suffering. It makes us feel awful.
Luckily, thoughts are always 100% optional. When one doesnât work for us, we can ask ourselves what else is true. What if the opposite were true? Try on different thoughts that feel true to you, and find ones that make you feel peaceful, confident, and purposeful (or any other feeling that you want to feel).
Because if life can be brutal, then it can also be beautiful. Even life after loss. Especially life after loss.
If this podcast has been helpful, please subscribe, rate and review it. This way it can reach other widowed people and help them, too. There is much more to come, so stay tuned. And in the meantime, know that I believe in you and Iâm here for you. Take care.
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If youâve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to join Life Reconstructed, my coaching program exclusively for widowed people. It will help you step forward toward a life you will love again. Simply go to thesuddenwidowcoach.com and click work with me.
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