Episode 3 Your Brain on Grief
Music….
Hello, and welcome to episode 3: your brain on grief. In this episode, I share some ways that the brain functions differently because of grief, and I offer 3 steps to help.
Brief music…..
In life after the loss of your spouse, you likely don’t understand yourself or your brain.
In her book The Grieving Brain, Dr. Mary-Francis O’Connor likens grieving to learning. She writes, “Grief is a heart-wrenchingly painful problem for the brain to solve, and grieving necessitates learning to live in the world with the absence of someone you love deeply, who is ingrained in your understanding of the world.”
Human brains are hard-wired in primitive ways, and the main objective is survival: preventing the possible tiger attack, eating in abundance because food might later be scarce, and never burning more calories than absolutely necessary.
Our primitive brain works to keep us alive in just three ways: by prompting us to (1) avoid pain, (2) seek pleasure, and (3) be efficient. The humans whose brains did these tasks well survived to reproduce, and those of us living today are the recipients of primitive brains that are highly skilled at these three main tasks.
When our brain is chattering with messages of fear and scarcity or urging us to avoid the pain by eating sugary treats, or demanding that we stay home, on the couch, binge watching, we can recognize that this is our primitive brain attempting to accomplish its main goal of keeping us alive through avoiding pain, seeking pleasure, and being efficient.
If we were still living in a version 1.0 world with roaming tigers and scarce food sources, we could more easily appreciate the efforts of our primitive brains. However, we now live in a version 3.0 world (at least), and for those struggling with the loss of a spouse, it is a world that has been shattered.
Luckily, over many generations our brains have developed the ability to do more than survive.
Other parts of our brains have evolved and have different functions.
For example, the prefrontal cortex, unique to humans, is the part of the brain that can consider what’s best in the long run, set goals, and help us achieve them. If the primitive brain is a toddler running around with a steak knife, then the prefrontal cortex is the adult in the room.
With the loss of your person, the primitive brain shifts into overdrive and the prefrontal cortex falls silent, leaving us with a constant flow of panicky, primitive brain thoughts.
If this sounds familiar, know that nothing has gone wrong. This is your brain on grief. There are ways to navigate grief, but step one is to know that what you are experiencing is completely normal.
As we learn to re-activate it, that prefrontal cortex will calm that toddler and put the knife in a safe place; in other words, the prefrontal cortex can counter the incessant chatter of the primitive brain.
Here are three steps to help:
4. Observe your thoughts, objectively. Write down what your brain is offering you, without judgement.
5. Think about what you think about. Is it true? Is it useful? Look at each thought and decide whether you want to keep or delete it.
6. Think true thoughts intentionally. On purpose. Regularly.
Now your brain will still offer you untrue, not useful thoughts. That’s okay, that’s just what brains do. Just notice how much time you spend with those thoughts. Are you believing them?
The alternative is to say, “okay, brain, I see that you’re offering me this thought again. Noted. But I’ve already decided to think THIS thought instead,” because it’s true and it serves me.
We hold the remote control, so we get to change the channel.
See, thoughts are 100% optional, and they’re infinite. You are NOT your thoughts, you’re simply the observer of the thoughts your brain is offering you. You get to decide which to keep and which to delete, and then think true and useful thoughts, on purpose.
And thinking true and useful thoughts has an incredible bonus. Thoughts create our feelings, which drive actions, which create results. It’s a domino effect, and it starts with a thought.
I believe that grieving is learning. And learning more about your grieving brain will light your path forward. There is much more to come on this in future episodes, so please subscribe now. In the meantime, know that I believe in you and I’m here for you. Take care.
