When you can't forgive yourself

Sep 01, 2023

It’s tempting to look back on the events of your spouse’s passing and decide that you did it wrong: your actions were wrong, your words were wrong, and therefore you simply can’t forgive yourself.

It’s easy to play Monday morning quarterback.

Today you have all the facts. You can look back and know exactly what happened and when, and unfortunately, what was coming.

With the benefit of hindsight, you sit in judgement of your past self.

The one who didn’t have all the facts.

The one who acted on the information she had at the time.

The one who did the best she could in the most catastrophic moments of her life.

The one who walked through the unthinkable.

What if there is nothing to forgive?

There is no rulebook for when your spouse is dying.

Of course, you wish it didn’t happen at all. And if it had to happen, naturally you wish it were different. Nearly everyone does, no matter the circumstances.

It’s the brain’s way of attempting to renegotiate the outcome. Thoughts like, “If only I had done/said X, then Y….” give us a sense of control and a brief break from the pain of loss.

If a widowed friend was kicking herself for “doing it wrong,” what would you say to her? And how does that compare to what you say to yourself?

What would love say?

On the other side of holding yourself accountable, there is a life that honors him and you. It’s a life of your own creation; one that you look forward to living.

If today you’re stuck in a spiral of not forgiving yourself, I get it. I spent years in that place. But you don’t have to. I teach in a matter of months what took me 6 years to learn. It’s life changing.

You’ve made other investments in yourself. Now it’s time to invest in your healing.

Join me inside of Life Reconstructed, my coaching program designed exclusively for those who have lost a spouse. Simply click below to learn more.


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